new calendar
just made it a few days ago
i cut 2010 out of my journal
and sewed 2011 in, to take its place
and so the years fly by
and numbers progress rather quickly
i will turn 27 in a few weeks
and then i will turn 25 a week after that
give me another few years and i will say
"oh! those days!"
with a gleam of flashing teeth and eyes
last year this time,
i was shivering in a connecticut winter
wondering where to next
how long shall i stay here
what am i doing here
now, entering 2011
this year this time,
i am warm in a wool jacket in a taiwan winter
still wondering where to next
but less fervently
still wondering how long i shall stay here
but with less angst
there are slow progressions
and there is much change and also not much changing
and all is always in movement and flow
now on the other side of the world
asking similar questions
to similar yet different trees and stones
the same sky
a different perspective
there is a flower sitting in a cup on this table
a crayon drawing says "open to wonder" and a color pencil sketch says "the distilled essence of life is love and presence"
red silk bag filled with desert and forest usa herbs hangs from the lamp
metal jar of different artemesia and sage smudge sticks, with earrings hanging down
sea shell prayer beads dangling from my clock
energy medicine book, buffalo woman comes singing, chinese herb books, eat pray love
hot tea steaming, little blue cup
scissors, 2010 calendar, old leather journal
colored pencils, colored string, bag of oranges
a pile of maps, my keeper, handkerchiefs
writer, artist, drummer, carpenter, etc signs
pictures of dancing bears, a dream fairy, butterflies, quotes, poems, and beautiful landscapes
a collection of jars, pothos plants, SHE elixir in the corner
suitcase in another corner
door in another corner
backpacking pack in the final corner
warm bed with leaves, sleeping bag, books, lavender and hops eye pillow
open bowls
open hands
heart full
this is the present now
what next?
(what does that even mean?)
learning a lot
more tea
candles and earrings
a mandala from a new hampshire farm boy
guitar stick (renamed soshuma) makes beautiful song
black grinding stone of taiwan or china makes black ink for painting and writing
toe socks on the floor
pile of wool wedged between two book cases
this is the present


chinese poetry: 第一大勇氣詩 experiment


---------- (翻譯 : translation)=

heartbeat dance
inhale, exhale
dance steps
breath in the stomach
fire in the heart
feet pressing, pressing against mama earth
feeling tree roots like fingers
interlocking with my own
let us
inhale, exhale
heartbeat dance


once upon a time

... there was Nothing
and the Nothing was everything, and the everything was Nothing
until one day,
Wind began to blow
she blew in circles and spirals
eventually blowing a Flame into Being
Suns, and Stars
then rising and morphing into Planets,
among them Earth
Waters covering all the Earth
rolling and tumbling over each other
one day slowly rising from the Waters
a Mountain
further rising into Being more Stones, and Plants, Animals,
and then
there is a Human sitting on the top of the Mountain
it's you
and none of it is separate at all
the Human on the Mountain from the Waters of the Earth, of the Sun and its Flame, borne of Wind, and all ideas birthed from Nothing...
all still Nothing
which is everything
which is
and what is the sound of all this Nothing and everything?


sincerely yours

in answer to the question
raised from tall ancient trees
brewed from deep dark primeval forests
and simmered in oceanic stews
in response to the query
posed from mirrored waterfalls
overflowing from volcanic blood baths
and tossed from stardust cliffs


meridian dance

the utter perfection of this very moment
lies in the unutterable quality of
your very real my very own
tingling fingertips running (diagonally) down green fields tinged with golden fragmites
landing (touching with great satisfaction) gently on stone-kissed stepping feet
where does this line travel in our (same same same) body?

土地公 (mountain spirits)

the spirits of the land have got it pretty good here
there's a small shrine at the bottom of each hill and mountain
(even other places too)
incense, fruits, prayers, gratitude, and more
a constant reminder of all the seen and unseen forces walking with us


so this is love?

is it possible
that i have fallen in love with you
or maybe i just never stopped loving you
even though i didn't even remember when
once upon a time
i loved you

once upon a time
dinosaurs roamed this land
and ferns grew even taller than them
and maybe even
once upon a time
there were no buildings
(i wonder what that landscape would be like!)
and barefoot children wandered the land
and baskets overflowed with acorns and berries
(i wonder if there were coconut trees?)
once upon a time
what were the dogs like here?
now they loll in packs in the park
basking in the sun

what if i
once upon a time
slept under a tree
and dreamed of you
only to wake
and wonder if i dreamed of you
or did you dream of me
or neither and it's all just a big
dreamtime game

what if i
(still loving you. once in love upon an again time)
came to you in this day
(among all other days)
in a dreamtime living reality of we
and said
(speaking is as true as walking is as flying)
hey you
(and our eyes connect)
haven't we met before?
(there is a light of recognition)
it's been a while
(the light is flickering)

once upon a time
the planets decided to have a little fun
and play some tricks
be coyote
they set fire to the tree we slept under
they flooded the eyes we were gazing into
and then they drew lines in the earth and said
(speaking like thunder)
now go
and search
and maybe
one day
(never? always? true? not?)
(surreal. inconsequential. or purely sequential?)

our hearts beating with
(teach me, drums)
earth beat rhythms
foot beats rising and falling
eyelashes raising, then lowering
arms down, head down, breath out to greet the dust
arms up, head up, spine straight to breathe in the shine
spine bent, head loosened, eyes flooding to sea the earth, inhaling
exhaling, hands open, arms high, head proud, nose touching ether
arms down
legs down
head up
eyes open
heart bursting

touch me


taiwan has the most diverse fern population... in the world!
and yet, we can't find any traces of dinosaurs around here...
we came up with the reason why, today:
no dinosaurs to eat the ferns, so the ferns lived a happy fear-free existence
and grew to be very diverse and old and happy wise
(we come up with the most deep philosophical ideas during long hikes!)


welcome to taipei

welcome to taipei
smell the wet air
thick with car, motorcycle, bus fumes
step into the subway
feel the thick heat of thousands of bodies that have pulsed through
look away from the eyes
there are too many of them
but they are all differing degrees of bright
once upon a time children
now shadows of children that are hiding
hiding behind make-up and heels,
suits, vests, and bags
hiding behind poverty stricken grime and loud begging cries,
prostitute women shy yet brazen leaning against the bridge
welcome to taipei
raise your arm above your head
hold on tight as the bus rattles over the bumpy roads
stopping often to avoid hitting the thousands of reckless fast others
biking, motorcycling, walking, and driving
feel the bodies pushing and pulling against your own
and hold your breath when the door opens
and someone steps in smelling like cigarettes
the smell of the wet pavement rising up behind him
well, might as well step out now then
and smell this wet pavement
rich with too many years of too many feet and vehicles
wonder about what lies beneath the pavement
raise your head to look beyond the buildings
and watch the clouds reaching and pulling towards and away
from the tall mountains
some soft some jagged
so far, too far in the distance
imagine the echoes of monkeys howling
close your eyes yes even on this dirty street corner and
see ancient spirits living in holes in rocks in caves in mountains
mountains so old that even here in this city
there are shrines honoring the mountains spirits and earth gods
say yes to the grandmother that offers you some incense
she gives you three sticks of incense
one for the sky god, one for the earth god, and one for the god of the present moment
smell all the years of incense trapped in this one little room
all the smoke wafting and billowing up into the red rafters coloring them a dark blood red
closed eyes again, seeing the blood of my own body coursing through into my heart
feeling the pulsing of my feet hard against this cement-layered earth
feeling lava pushing way down below my feet
so far below
but it once created this very island we stand upon
welcome to taipei, taiwan
sit upon these old stone steps with me now and watch the sun rise
it first hits that tall skyscraper over there
and then the light bounces over to that other skyscrapers over there
until eventually we can see the reflection of big red circular mister sun himself reflected on that skyscraper far over there
and the birds will sing louder and louder
until eventually they all get drowned out by the motor vehicles' songs
welcome to taipei
watch the faces of the thousands of people passing by and listen to their little songs
the gate guard sings a native american chant as he bikes to his post
a customer returns day after day to a shop. they are friends now
the schoolboys walk fast and chatter even faster. something is so very exciting.
the women's voices are high pitched, their skirts even higher pitched.
an old couple walking hand in hand, him carrying her purse and umbrella, her laughing at his jokes.
couples at night all over the old temple, watching the lights of a city that doesn't quite sleep.
faces with scarves that show only the eyes. walking fast. going somewhere incredible.
browned farmers at farmer stands everyday with loud voices and fresh fruits.
bus driver that says peace be with you, and you are blessed. gentle eyes in the mirror.
old women dancing all the same dance in the park, saying come join us, and welcome.
the eyes of a baby in the subway, shining, laughing, innocent, curious, and amused.
welcome newborn one, welcome to taipei.
here, enjoy this cup of fresh tea.


first chinese class assignment:on living environment

for our first assignment in chinese class (we will write 1-2 essays every week. which is a HUGE challenge for me. i can write so fast in english in either poetry or prose, and then the translated words down below... in chinese...took hours)

the prompt was to describe our living environment...

it took me a couple hours to write this in chinese

and now i am translating it into english because i don't know how to type in chinese (okay, and i don't have the patience)
and even though i will complain about how long it took and how frustrating it is to try and completely express myself in a language that i can't get "deep" with... well, i sorta enjoyed the challenge
and am interested in how the results will sound in english

and i only hope i will be able to continue focusing on my other assignments and whatnot for the next 3 months, and give it so much Heart, like i gave this assignment

here's your translation, my dear english-reading friends :)

it's a different world outside of the window. outside of the window, in the farthest area, soft clouds slowly pull themselves across big beautiful mountains. the blue sky is sometimes black, sometimes grey, sometimes red, sometimes gold. outside of the window, a little bit closer, people and stinky cars are everywhere. the small stores and tall buildings fight, seeing who can push who out into the busy streets, to further jostle about with the people, cars, motorcycles, buses, and bikes. the smell that gets jostled out is like too much food in too small of a refrigerator... it's a tad bit rank. outside of the window, in the closest area, there are two exceptionally tall buildings, a small temple, many furniture stores, and a small park. the green leaves in the park help my eyes and heart silence and rest.

welcome back.

it's a different world inside of the window, too. inside of the window, there's rows and rows of books, a wooden table, two chairs, a black suitcase, and a basket of clothes. this isn't really my room; i'm borrowing my cousin's room. but, the wooden floor boards say to me, "no problem. so long as you are comfortable, it's all good!" closest to the window is a bed. at the head of the bed, there's a small metal container filled with my precious medicine grasses that i gathered in the usa mountains. every morning and night, i burn these medicine grasses, like burning incense, and pray. their sweet smoke helps me fly out the window, flying over a city full of rushing people, flying over the big mountains of this small island, flying over a majestic endless ocean, flying over my beautiful usa old homeland, flying over the echoes and spirits of the deep mountains, finally flying to the red rocks and big winds of the desert, and then flying with the wind... going and going until after encircling the entire universe, continuing to fly... and flying over a huge ocean, flying over a small island's big mountains, flying over a beautiful little park in a too-big city, flying into a wide-open window...

alright. so i just reread this. it actually sounds A LOT better in chinese, and was REALLY difficult to translate and... yeah it sounds a lot better in chinese. wow. for some reason, that really pleases me. :)

oh, and usa in chinese is "mei guo," which literally translates as "beautiful world."so, there's some use of multiple words in the essay that could only be caught when read in chinese. sorta like a pun. and that really pleases me!:)

chinese class. we will have a test every other day. lots to learn. 7 other people in class.
and various other things to report on, like i've moved into a different place, i walked into mountains with uncle and saw bear and monkey, am making new friends, learning about local plants, etc etc etc
so much other stories but
now it's bed time
off to dream of golden glowing chapparal!

wan an



yes yes here i am in taiwan now with my relatives
and if you want to hear updates let me know, and i can add you to my email list... (give me your email, obviously)
i don't think i'll be posting much on the blog... not updates, at least. poetry and photos, perhaps. i'll be emailing verbal-updates instead


taiwan: embark!

it begins today
the airplane flies from 1:45 pm cali time today
until 8:30 pm taiwan time friday


2006 to 2010: four years of usa travel: The Map

color key
2006- red line (mostly on the west)
2007- green line
2008- blue line
2009- turquoise line
2010- red line again (mostly on the east)
this map was one of my first travel maps. i would write in where i'd been, people i met, and their suggestions for where to go next... after a while, the map got too full. i met more people than the map could handle, and ditto to all the places i went to and wanted to go to next... but i kept the map in my journal bucket. and now, four years later, i have drawn lines all over it once again.
cheers to post-collegiate usa adventures! i now award myself an M.A. (Masters of Adventures) in USA. and now, off to taiwan and etc to get my Ph.D in ____! :)

final autumn 2010 cali photos

ciau, bella! meegwetch!
gigawabbamin (until the circle comes together again) california and usa and etc...

here's photos


one love

i do love this country
with all it's hills and mountains
and the small towns and
not quite so much the cities
but i can appreciate even them too
(from a distance please)
but yes
i do love this country
i have walked it's hills
scaled it's cliffs
swam in its waters
and looked into the eyes of its people
and smiled
appreciating the great
beauty and diversity
of all the different spaces
and different people borne of different spaces and places
different circumstances, different peoples
welcome to homeland
and now,
off to another homeland
one that i haven't explored yet
but one that my parents grew up in
one that i originated from within deep my gut, blood, and bones
ancient memories that i don't even yet see
let alone understand!
welcome to homeland ancient and not yet understood
waiting to be seen and heard
i am walking into you again
with my arms and eyes open
this basket here is empty
i have other baskets with other goods
but this basket here is empty
i will call it my ancient asian ancestry basket perhaps
whatever it is
it's ready to be filled
welcome back to homeland ancient
unknown cliffs, hills, waters, stones...
i remember
waking up on stones to sunlight glinting thru my eyelids
a smile on my face, laughter in my heart
sage gazing down at me with benevolence
and a joshua tree standing nearby, laughing also
i remember
waking up in the middle of a rushing river
on another stone, final rays of sun reddening sky once blue
cold evening winds beginning to kiss and caress
i remember
kneeling next to a stream
admiring sunlight glinting rainbows thru the first icicles of winter
reflecting into the rushing waters of the stream
i remember
looking into your eyes and seeing my own eyes reflected
and imagined your eyes reflected in my eyes in yours again
and on and on
these rivers uniting these skies and cliffs and stones
all as one
as i bid this land that i love farewell
i remember
this earth is round
it's all connected together
one sky
one earth
one people
one love
always hello again, hello wow hello!
never goodbye
and oh
i love you so much
thank we


death leading to birth leading to death again
this sky so blue leading to cliffs that tower
edges to be pushed
gravity free float it down
your freckles like sunspots staring too long into the light
deathbed lying, face peaceful
this last poetry to be read over and over
artwork questioned
what remains?


mi familia



train back across the country from vt to gila, nm to ca

photos from autumn 2010 train ride back from vermont to gila, nm to california again!

mojave national preserve

photos from weekend shared with mojave desert, big sky, adrian, and sierra



after sun went to sleep
i watched the moon
and realized
that when she is full again
i will be on the other side of this earth
still saying good night sun and hello moon
and wondering still and again
what am i doing


pulled north south east west in equal portions
for firm balance of center yes
the stillness of this momentous presence is so
stillingly alive with

poem for a sunrise we

(from a Mojave sunrise)

i see you everywhere---
you are in the movement of Wind
as she rises from Valley
up thru Canyon
down into another Canyon
you are the cold kiss of morning dew
wet on my sleeping bag
a reminder of last night's thunderstorm
over the mountains
you are all the birds shaking and waking
you are their song as they
greet Sun's pink glow
rising over tanned and blushing cliffs
you are the transition from night to day
with owls hooting to an end
and children's laughter and morning yawns
you are the birth of a baby goat arising
coming steaming into the reality of day
blinking into being
sticky with Creator's juices
you are the tingle in my fingers
when i lay them over my food
and give thanks for their
nourishment and abundance
you are the joy and pain that is one
in my Heart
you are the light that shines
from the farthest Star
to warm my cold nights
you are the very pen and my very fingers
you are so very momentous i and we
welcome to this Moment
as we breathe and heartbeat,
intertwined into
we are
that which is unspeakable
but so very touchable
now let's kiss


joshua tree and mojave national preserve

(this stream-of-consciousness written with so much love and gratitude to aaron for sharing my jtree adventure, and adrian/sierra for sharing my mojave adventure)

we see the most incredible sunrises and sunsets in the desert
eyes open wide, body tightly plastered to rock, breath so deep
that it booms against the very cliffs and canyons
and then evaporates so quickly into the air
that it manifests
as the reddest loudest yet most silent
sunsets and sunrises we have ever seen in our lives
coyotes howling nightly to a descending moon
until moon is so dense that we can't see her anymore
only her posse of wild outlaw stars singing loudly
the international anthem of the universe
giving directions on how to walk the beauty way
in such a way
joshua tree for a week with aaron, yes indescribable
fullness, presence, breadth, reality...
pure being
so much laughter and sinking down, rising up with earth and winds
moment to moment presence
i can't word this yet
but i can say
i am so grateful for my brothers and sisters in this world
and i am so grateful for the mountains and deserts and wild places
grateful for plant and animal friends and teachers
(we all teachers and students. the best students are best teachers and etcetera)
grateful for conversations so rich that they last all night
and we are surprised that the sun is rising already
grateful for the invisibly visible and present art gift of improvisation
vocal cords jamming and intertwining with each other, heartstrings, and rocks
grateful for warning rattles on rattlesnakes that hide in caves that i stand in front of
grateful for ancient natives who used to do ceremony in front of these caves
and infused them with grace, power, and unspeakable energy
grateful for young and old people who still remember old old stories
and grateful for the gift to weave new new stories with old old rhythms
grateful for old rhythms, woven in new ways
grateful for eyes that see, and hands that know
and a feeling of comfortableness borne of eons of knowing each other
grateful to see you again, and reconnect
grateful for SHE (Sacred Healing Elixirs) of all sorts
grateful for spirits that rise into my cheeks and make them blossom for days
grateful for plant medicines that turn our skins brown, not burnt red
grateful for shamanic journeys that take us farther than roads ever could
purely grateful
and filled with lovelovelove
(we even made a "son"!)
and then weekend with adrian and sierra at mojave national preserve
driving for what felt like days and days
are we there yet?
yes we are here
no we are not
we are here. welcome to the present moment. :)
well here we are standing so close to the peak
i know that the wind is blowing so hard
but this is a once in a lifetime kinda thing
it's now or never
well... let's put it this way
we are very close to the top
it won't hurt (that much)
and you can tell your baby sister about this and then share it with her one day
plus the wind is not so bad up there
and you can touch the sky!
yes! wow what a view what a sky what a landscape
these mountains that roll all over
once upon a time we named it all "god poop"
and now i realize it's really yes god's compost heap
all these boulders and stones scattered thru the landscape...
once upon a time, all this was ocean
and then tectonic plates moving and shifting until
once upon a time, underwater mountains
and mountains rising and rising until
fossils and artifacts and caves deep down under
let's dance down this hill and sprint until we make the most beautiful sand art
let's leave drawings of hearts and suns in the sand, next to the small green plants
they appreciate it
did you just feel that fairy kiss?
you see all those holes in the rocks?
a fairy spirit lives in each hole
jesse james used to live in a hole in the wall here too
there's a deep feeling of sacredness and
can you feel the sacred silence?
did you feel that tingle?
we are being watched
and we are being blessed
sending out the intention now then for only the good spirits...
and back up to sky again
down in the cave it was so dark and dank and magical
fire by night for the most incredible meals i know how to make
roasting it directly over the fire sweet flame thank you
looking up at all the shooting stars
waking up in the middle of the night to look at each other, smile, and share dreams
until sun rises and we exclaim hooray for another day of being alive!
and wow our dreams are so similar!
i wonder if there's a magical cord that extends from my head to yours at night
whilst we sleep
and dream?
then back to the silent aloneness of just me and desert sky
after all the cars have rolled away and even the mouse is asleep
it's just me and you again
just like old days
i feel a richness that comes from being with people though
there is a richness to both being with others and just being with myself
initially, after both sets of cars left, i felt huge loneliness
and then gradually gradually
sky descended
song entered
and i could feel my heart beating with the trembling mountains and twinkling stars
closing my eyes i can see the elder with glowing hands placing flames into my belly and heart
i can feel the heat rising, balanced with water
(and more on that story, just ask me and i will tell you when it's time)
(when it's time, all these mountains will grind back into pure white sand
and we will bathe with them in pure white light)



be the change
(winds never sit still)
you wish
(upon the stars we're created from)
to see
(butterfly dream)
(and all around the everynothingness of all great every)
the world
(darling, that's you)


just (in cali) back

i'm not sure where to begin
but my mind has been elsewhere
well no
sometimes i return to this present moment ous breath with a huge woosh
and land with a thump presently here
mind comes fluttering back in
calling into the winds my name, the seven directions
here here here here here here here
me me me me me me me
got hit on at the beach today
for the first time in a long time
i pretended i didn't know any english
he gave me a big smile and sweaty handshake and asked me my name
i gave as confused a look as i could
tried not to laugh
and said in shaky english
and walked away
i could see his awed expression in my periphery as i walked away
he was awed at losing probably the zillionth hit-on-woman experience in his beach life
and i?
all i wanted was some quiet time with just me and mama pacifica
i stood on the road above the ocean
no time to get down to ocean and then come back and catch bus again in time before dark
also couldnt find a place to drop my bag
and so i watched mama ocean from above
and smelled the sea smells and felt the sea breeze
and promised to return sometime next week to actually take a dip and offer some gifts into her frothiness
realizing that pretty soon i will be on the other side of the world
looking at the same ocean
and missing the land on the other side again
this landscape
this covered landscape of concrete and human manufactured naturalness
teeming with avocados, guavas, pomengranates, and other sweet memories
why don't you get a real job
asks my sister
get a normal life
long held unspoken whipstraps getting gently untied and ripped open
inner doubts and fears getting exposing and painfully massaged
yup just rub me there yes right there where it's red already? yes right there
just rub me raw some more
and then pour in the salt water yes
oooh yes
halfway up the mountain
back up into these mountains i grew up in
looking at old plant friends with new eyes
my eyes now with more latin wedged into the noggin behind the eyes
with more latin, family name this and useful that
but still these plants are still the still same every changing still yes friendly same
you landscape have changed
more houses, cars, people
old fields and trees knocked down and replaced by human nature creations
like building legos and with one swift hand swipe down comes all the trees easy
same with building these houses that look all the same
and roads paved with concrete
instead of trails paved by years and years of barefeet running to and fro and fro and to
like in the gila
small trails leading everywhere
small trail from my camp to eric and amy's homestead farm
small trail from my camp to tom's cabin
small trail up the hill to visit shelley and scott and chickens
small trail well hidden yet well loved and well worn to visit wind building a new hooch
strong hands worn by time and loving molding of earth-dug clay and coal-burned spoons, cups, bowls
weathered hands aged and oiled by years of rubbing sticks together for fire
gently caressing small and large plant friends
breaking off fruits and twigs for foods and medicines
while saying thank you thank you thank you
and i love you so much
hands that know willow weavings and hide tannings
feet that know hard thorns, soft water, hot rocks, cold winds
crinkles around the eyes that laugh with stories
a voice resonant from hearing itself echoing in the wind, trees, stones, and water
ears sharp from listening to the fox family romping about in the evening time
sharp ears from tracking the coyotes at night
nimble ears listening to my own breath and consciously slowing it down to drift with my heartbeat
breath that rises and falls with the ups and downs of my feet as i softly pad up and down the trail
to the water, to the stones, back to the fire, back to my shelter
no telephone or computer for a couple weeks
very real
very present
so very very present
that when i touched the phone and computer again i could feel the electric surge
the electric wave tingling my hair and surging thru my skin
and here a decision to be made
where to continue walking
how to go forward
from here
i know this now
and that also
and also pretty well understand the true nature of
infinite possibility
it's infinite
and it's all a matter of choice
well, yeehah then let's buckle up
i am in transition
like instead of living old way
taking classes on it
reminders of how things used to be from someone transitioning back out into civilization
tell me about these plants you've known then, and know
my dad understands that
when out in the wilderness for a while you begin to glow
we glow with the light reflected from the reality of mama earth, her very yes self
and then come back to civilization and if you don't meditate--- or do something for self maintenance---
then that glow begins to fade
and fade
until eventually all that's left is just a corpse
a walking corpse
don't go there
not me not now
too much potential
i know the light
let's walk it all together yes?
such a beautiful walk in the light
much warmer too
i can see in my mind's eye bright blue eyes that reflect the morning sky
blue eyes shining from a sun-browned face
blue eyes glowing with clouds and sunbeams and shooting stars
wishes that come true over and over and over again
never too many wishes coming true
happy birthday moment by moment for me and you
a rolling river that runs thru the desert
hot springs on the side with warm exfoliating sands
i've been dreaming of this landscape for a year now
welcome back yes welcome back
walking backwards tock tick
moving so quickly that i can almost see my breath being left behind
contact improv my last night in massachusetts, with many old friends
i have been here so many times before
there are so many memories wrapped up in this place
walking into the kitchen, into a huddle of loving arms and gentle eyes
and heart melts into eye tears that pour
and shoulders that support do then support
and ears that listen do listen and mouth then reflects so lovingly and perfectly that i then look startled into eyes so bright
and i am reflected in them oh mirror
and we are all mirrors and
this is how it really is
this is how it really ought to be
for you to see me, really
and i can see you too
this is it
to support and hold and witness
no judgement
i can see your red holey holy spots
and i will give you sweet medicine to put on your wounds
and sing you lullabies to rest
and then when you are well and i am well
we will all come together to celebrate
sitting around a campfire watching the landscape change from earth-toned golden hues into the deepest darkest shades of black
sky going from the brightest of blues into also the darkest of blacks spotted with the brightest jewels i've ever seen
(besides your eyes of course)
singing songs old and new and
improvising words and rhythms fitting and unfitting
heartful laughter resonant and echoing, mixing and merging most perfectly (dance yes) with sacred

i move thru this space
air contracting and expanding with me
every brush of wind so gently a reminder of presence
every contraction expansion of my chest and belly with each
a reminder of being, gifting, receiving
grateful surrender like leaves falling unto a drunken land


final month in New England- photos

so much love and gratitude to so many people and places... 

this is october

hopping on a train tomorrow...
monday in massachusetts... choo choo...
tuesday in chicago...
wednesday rolling across the country...
thursday in gila wilderness of new mexico for the new moon...
two weeks later, hopping on a train again from new mexico back to california for the full moon...
no computer again until the next full moon, end of october
lovelovelove! :)


rainy day yum yum

chai, chocolate, and poetry on a rainy morning
what better than this, and sharing it all with a new old friend?
(sunshine on a warm rock, methinks)...
but i can feel the warm rock and sunshine in my heart most strongly
on days and moments like these
life is beautiful


drip drop

so many single one one one drops coming down all together
creating a massive symphony of morning wake wake wake music
wake wake wake heart pulsations and head rememberings of times long ago
yet not so long ago because the one one wake wake drip drops
are reawakening these old lived times into new now
drip drop
sitting wedged into the corner of my ucla co-op room windows
warm in cotton and wool on the fifth floor of a seven floor building
cup phone and prayer flags down to second floor of a one heart love friend
two pillows laid side by side in the corner of two big windows
watching a city that never sleeps
sleeping and dreaming then, of mountains and adventures many
mountain wilderness deep in our souls to drift together on currents mysterious
drip drop
morning wake up by two small boys crusted with dirt and joy
time to play, rousing from more dreams under reeds, grasses, and deer hides
to pit pat on a new ceiling
sharing glowing eyes and laughter by firelight and dinner in coal
burned bowls with hands crusted with dirt, wood, and sweet air
drip drop
limbs entangled from a sleep dream night dance
hair and eyes sleepy yet wakeful and grateful for a new day
good morning my love
warm inside a well built shelter
so close to the rain, and yet so warm and dry
grateful for skills old and new
thankful for glowing eyes of brotherhood and sisterhood, friends old and new
magic rising and flowing around and thru us
we are but channels
our hands balancing and trembling as our eyes connect in wild wonder
we are more than just this
teens and adults under a tarp
sky is flowing rain down
and we are laughing under the tarp
drip drop
heading off into the wilderness for my first real solo
rain coming down harder with each step
two small junipers call me
yes! come!
and i hearken to their call
a rainbow appears
wishing i was anywhere but here
as fire steams each sizzling downward drop
and concerned eyes watch me
kneeling on a tatami mat
candles to my left, mullein to my right
hot tea boiling behind me, red leaves and rain in front of me
my drip drop body resonates with all these
drips and drops of days long past but still walking with me in the
core of my being
wrinkles are rising from my depths to my skin's surface
my hair is longer than it's ever been
i am leaving here again in two days
all this moves so
all the leaves are falling are falling
hordes of geese honking westward westward everyday
hugs love and smiles by day, tears and sadness by night
and a constant looking upward and downward for reminders of flight and grounding
i am here mama earth, papa sky
yes i am here
my heart is so full of every possible drip drop sky could ever rain
down to earth


circle open yet unbroken

community coming together in a circle 
around a brown dead rose 
breathing and moving as one
we send golden light streaming into the rose
it, billowing like a jellyfish cloud of petals all aflutter
blushes pink again 

of dead flowers reviving
grandmothers' voices singing
and women's faces morphing from one into another
decaying and recaying
thorns plucked out of old sores 
standing in circle centers with stone in hand 
loudly proclaiming with silent strength
i am here 
i am home
i have come
i am done
circle streaming energy into broken limbs to revive and energize 
broken limbs billowing like petal clouds of jellyfish 
rose hearts aglow and ever open shining 
there are infinite roads and possibilities 
and oh what a lovely life this is and is not
what a life 

your brother is my sister is my brother is my dream is my 
when i walk i step lightly 
invisible artemesia rising up rising every up 
from the clay dust of dirt road
invisible branches and stems rising every rising
what is broken is never really broken 
what is dead is only composting back into life 
we are all just energy molecules bouncing around and
reactions exploding imploding interploding

let us interplode then 
like a bouquet of unbundled revived roses
let us intersect then
like water drip drop lines and circles reconnecting in 
vast limitless oceans of being
let us be then 
like infinite stars in an infinite galaxy
borne of infinite galaxies even more 
and composed of 
everything and nothing which is

(i can FEEL the super novas within me. i can FEEL the big bang that made we)
(hu d'ye mung, hu d'ye mung... oh what a butterfly dream dream dream...) 


to old new friends and new old friends

           thank         you

counting stars

for those who are counting,
i am also
i've been waiting and watching
and figuring and wondering
how one day fits into another and into another
so the weeks fly by and months fade into years into jeans into sheets into fires into ashes
for those who are counting
who's counting the stars?

we stood and watched sky turning from dusk into dawn
we sat and watched flames charring coals down into dust
we walked and walked over mountains and rivers
and now
we are

who's counting the stars?
seeing falling stars one by one
universe churning (tiny mighty we)
"there's the milky way"
"yes, and we are on the very edge of it"
"and there's more?"
"there's more"

he saw his first shooting star with us that night
and the years fly by and fade away
and he will still dream of this when old and toothless
these memories will swim with him as he floats through life

she walked with a limp on heels hurt borne of anger
a small pinky on her right hand hurt from anger
blind black rage borne of hidden old pains hiding in her gut
wrenching and twisting her every full moon as she bleeds and screams
into waiting darkness

who's counting the stars?
children of pain and loss, children of love and joy
i am walking and watching of you
you are walking and watching of i
we twine and intertwine
fingers weaving unbreakable fields of hearts
hearts blooming and blossoming on fresh winds and soarings

until it's harvest time
back to the earth
back to the mother
fade this away
so it can regrow another

back to the earth
back to the mother
fade this away
so i may regrow another
compost time
pithy pitchy pine of deep forest
giant sequoia hug and hold me
my heart is sinking into this mother
it is midnight here and noon over there
it is midnight here and dawn over there there
it is dawn over there there and dusk over there there there
who am i to say
who am i
who am i to say
where am i
i am here
turning with the here here there there
rolling with the it yes all mighty
sitting standing walking
with all yes
counting the stars
yes counting the stars!
i am counting the stars
in your eyes
in the dirt
in the leaves
in my heart

days for the stars to count

(from an email)
hello loved ones!

i hope you're enjoying the autumn winds!
i am about ready to head west again...
and i finally booked a ticket back! and finalized plans!

am leaving brattleboro, vt / new england on oct 4 via train
landing in new mexico on oct 7
(new moon) to hangout with a landscape i've been dreaming about for the past year.. and my plant man elder named doug :)

will be leaving new mexico week of oct 18 in time for (full moon) back in california... back to la familia of blood relations and old friends and MY MOUNTAINS! mmm

and then plan is to head to taiwan either week 2 or 3 of november (new moon, rising)
my grandma's birthday is week 4 of that month. right on time :)

(sigh) yes yes
big thanks, big winds, big stones, big Love!!!
(small world)



sing my body electric 
dance my mind unbound
unwind my fears like dandelion seeds 
and toss me into currents of surrender
release my unwinding like electricity of stars
trembling night beings jumping 
into depths of the unknown 
jump my lightning cords like 
bells on the wind
and then toss me up 
into the highest of forest trees
for i'm anchored
below the stones



drops of red blood
land on white quartz
red leaves above
blue sky above further
beyond white clouds
and the land changes
and wrinkles arise 
drops of red blood
on leaves once green and now red
drops of red blood
on legs once bare and now bleeding


good night, connecticut moons

composed of all old endings
renewals stretch past horizons
where shall i walk
with legs so strong so new

roses in my stomach
butterflies in my heart
a new moon in the non-moon sky
this is a brand new start



when i 
roots extend down 
from feet to
and then
deeper still


for mama earth, etc (yes yes, love love)

i like 
(quite so very much) 
the taste
(salty sweat taste like tears)
(open mouth as i walk thru the forest)
of you 
(you! all around and within and every me)
i like
(yes like the desert loves the rain)
the smell
(nostrils dilating to heartbeat rhythm mother)
(shadows smell different than sunlight)
of you
(you! again! as am i!)
i like 
(infinite and beyond universe yes)
the look
(we see each other. we really do)
(different colors that come from the same source)
of you
(love. that's all we are)
i like 
(yes yes yes)
the sound
(waves crashing of infinite oceans)
(open ears open eyes open heart)
of you 
(open everything courageous everything)
i love
the feel
(rhymthic mother heartbeat mine as yours)
(when i open i feel as i am)
of you 
(i love you
i love i)

sun-baked bones

i'm rising from my own ashes
so that i may better understand them 
and ride the flames as brightly 
as i as ashes float on the wind
and then bury back into the damp musk of


random acts of soulful beauty

spritzing good smells in unexpected places 
like on street lamps and in train stations

(like frankincense, myrrh, sandalwood)
(or rose and lavender)

leaving little love-notes randomly everywhere
saying stuff like 
"thank you for being" 
or "are you happy?" 


guerilla chalk art
with loving messages and doodles
in the streets

flower arrangements left on strangers' doorsteps 


floating falling flying being


there is an old chinese myth
of a giant named peng gu 
i want to share it with you 
a story of strength, balance, 
and complete giving and surrender

journeying again

yesterday i deleted and uploaded a bunch of photos 
today i did a fire ceremony and burnt many things 
yesterday i strained many plant oils and vinegars into smaller jars 
today i consolidated many salves and balms into smaller jars
gifts and such 
plant days 
reminiscing days of giving thanks and saying farewell
i will see you in Dreamspace but not in present time again, soon 
sadness, joy, and celebration
and a lot of work!
so much time spent indoors 
organizing and divvying 
i wonder 
what new plants wait at my door 
as i step from this space into another world
yet unknown 
i wonder 
what new friends wait to receive me 
as i step 
with so much emptiness 
into a seeming black hole whole of 
i wonder 
what new gifts are waiting
i wonder 
what unknown blessings
already on the way 
and smile at me as i pack 
and gather up my pack and my wits 
gathering all of myself 
as i journey forth


cleansing, radiating, transformative
devouring and composting
we are walking in the sun
bless these closed eyelids that dream 

(fire ceremony today)


summer 2010

thank you for sharing these experiences with me... either in person, or in heartspace! 

big Love

post-Quest and photos with Efan


back in ct

am back in connecticut 
landed to a happy reunion with elder bill and bethany family of brenda, marie, cats, chickens, alpacas, and many apples!
drum circle at night
so many molded herbs stored incorrectly...
clothes to give away
things to pack up
am leaving here again in a week 
and then off to california 
and then onwards!
ever onwards
this time to taiwan 
many questions from many people 
the questions drive me a little nutty 
but they are also good questions 
that make me think 
exactly what am i doing? 
and who i am now? 
good questions 
medicine woman, rising

death to old ways and patterns of being that no longer serve me 
death to old clothes that no longer fit 

phoenix rising
ataris rising 
ever rising 
from these composting ashes of death
into newness

butterfly dreams
it's all just butterfly dreams 

there's mold on my shoes
i watched moon rise last night
and sun rise this morning
ever rising from the ashes 
cycle continuing flow on
songs that come and go from my mind
resonating with the inexplicable hum of singing bowls 
resonant universe



i am speaking with you again 
my best friend
my sweet darling and dear
earth, water, fire, air
elements and spirits 
of seen and unseen
i am walking with you again 
and i am so grateful 
for all of you
buoyantly grounding
as we flow


gathering the storm

everything is moving
as perfectly as it needs to
be it fast or slow
the winds of change are blowing
sweet rhythmic ancient scents
wild, exciting, distant, yet familiar
and i am dancing

when i fall, then what? (greenfield, ma hilltop)

if i fall
i know you'll catch me
but are you ready
for my weight
are you ready
for the mountains of my Heart
the crashing waves of my Spirit
the endless vistas of my very Being?
if i jump
will you support my flight
and catch me
when i Fall?

breakfast on a rock- brattleboro, vt

leaves falling
butterflies fluttering
breakfast on a rock
now i eat you
death for life
now you eat me

from the hilltop i sat on this morning in greenfield, ma

patient unending STONE
my feet tingle as they grow into you
sitting waiting watching being
time does not exist
seasons mesh into one another
continuous flow rhythm be
of clouds, sunshine, rain, moon, stars
ah yes, those stars
they too, like us
sitting, waiting, watching, being
i wonder if we are just as inspiring?
do we too glow from a core inner light
sending twinkles far off into space?
the space between Raven's feathers
contracting and expanding
as she circles her air kingdom
spaces between the leaves dancing with time and wind
growing and shifting
then falling, one by one
to mesh back into
patient unending STONE
waiting watching being
growing stillness
space between earth, sky,


rest and reflection

today i laid on a Rock
like so many other days on other Rocks
watching Sky
thinking about everything and nothing
and just resting
in the Bliss and perfection 
of the 


all the rain 
all the Sacred Tears
Sky held for us
as we cried for our Visions
and Quested on the Mountain
all is falling
held by Mama
Sky has opened
bathing my Heart
in Sacred Tears
the better to see You with, my dear
my Dear


love and thanks

thank you 
i love you so much 
i am so grateful for all you bring into this world and my life! 
thank you for shining your light so brightly

i can't upload fresh photos until i return to connecticut... so here's some more photos from my elder Bill that pretty aptly sum up what others have been doing for me... prayers and candles. 
i love you so much 
i am so very grateful 
and i am writing to let you know that 
i have returned from the Mountain 
i am safe and well 
and my bowl is now full yet empty 
and there is much to say 
but also not much at all 
sometime soon, i will do a Giveaway Ceremony and tell my story then, in connecticut 
for those of you not in connecticut 
we can connect in other ways
call me, tap in via the winds and earth
and we will rub our hearts and bellies, smile, and sigh
with contented connected united knowing
for all that remains unsaid,
is already said


star heart

thru spiraling smoke
bright stars shine inside
i find my way 

(Vision Quest this week in northern Vermont. Sacred silence. Prayers, loving thoughts, and blessings invited and gratefully accepted. I love you!!!) 



enters my life
sometimes with silent padded steps
sometimes like a mighty gush of thunderstorm
sometimes so subtly, like a dandelion slowly opening
sometimes so overtly, like an avalanche stone crashing down a mountain
enters my life
sometimes sweetly
like fresh blueberries on a summer morning
sometimes sourly
with an aftertaste of blueberries forgotten in a bowl
sometimes, watching my self as i step forward slowly
as i pick myself back up
from the avalanche
and piece back together
freshly kilned clay
and infinitude of hearts
and potential
from the ashes of fiery flames
fruits borne of sunshine, sweat, dirt, and death
i am

(me and Justin just ended our romantic relationship a few days ago. i am doing okay, and grateful for love in all its forms)
(thank you my dear esteemed elder Bill, for the lovely photo, and for helping fire my clay hearts! and growing the tomato heart! :) )


the Fall

August 7, 2006... the Fall. It's been four years now. Thank you...


August itinerary

7/26 - 8/6= staffing kids' farm camp and African dance theater camp at Orchard Hill Farm (NH)
8/6 - 8/8= Daughters of the Earth gathering at Earthlands (MA) (I need a ride down from NH, if you know anyone...)
8/9 - 8/14?= Earthstory gathering at Earthlands (MA) (and then I need a ride up to northern VT, if you know anyone...)
8/15 - 8/21= Vision Quest (VT) 
final two weeks of the month... don't know yet. I will probably hangout with Luz Elena in Brattleboro, VT. I want to see Keith, Mira, Efan, Jason, Kalyan, Darcey, and Sean sometime this summer, too. I also want some kind of backpacking / survival camping trip. So, hopefully a small extended visit to Keith's farm and/or Kalyan's new farm, too. 
... and then I plan to return to Connecticut before September 5 for the Red Tent that day, and then start Two Coyotes' autumn children's programs on September 6! 



i really wanted!
to return to the desert
and work with "at-risk" youth
beautiful shining teenagers that society can't yet accept
and learn from plant-man doug
and a bunch of burros
and cacti 
and mountains
and a sky so big and wide
that my heart floods with blue
that merges with red
into the most vivid healing purple i've ever seen
as the hot desert rocks boom their deep booms 
and i know that 
we are held

i really wanted! 
to stay here and cultivate 
the relationships and seeds that i've set
and slowly watched sprout 
and am still blossoming 
so much love for so many people 
yet so often feeling so very 
and struggling
with restlessness and wants and needs and boundaries
don't cross my boundaries 

i am learning to see my boundaries 
and bravely state them when i need to
no more hiding them 
no more hiding 

i am stepping out into the sunshine 
from a morbid smoggy winter 
and sweating beads of mingled pain and pleasure 
the raw honesty of being alive and whole
with black, white, and all rainbow prismatic every nothings
swirled into a giant
center of the universe

i really wanted!
yes i did! 
and i still do 
but i am learning

thank you

thank you 
for listening and watching and knowing and seeing
and holding and being
and being
just being 

thank you 
for all the prayers seen and unseen,
heard and unheard
for i feel them every time i cry into the wind
and she blows back with a kiss
and i know 
that i am blessed
with seen and unseen 
heard and unheard

thank you 
friends everywhere 


yes love

watching bats fly around at dusk
minnows gathering around my toes and nibbling them
while i am swimming in ice pond
of all places!
yes, ice pond
clouds pink, sky blue
back out into the great known unknown beautiful


saint johnswort

today was a saint johnswort day!
hypericum perforatum 
"perforatum" for the small dots that light filter thru on the leaves
the flowers smell like heaven and will help further repair the ripped-up side of my face (from the Fall)
how does such a little yellow flower work such strong magic? 
i am in love!!

this is summer: june and july plans

if anyone's interested...

my itinerary for the next couple weeks:
this weekend= "ancient and innovative foundations training" with luz elena morey in brattleboro, vt
next week (last week of june)= either camp in woodbridge, ct with justin or visiting friends near northampton, ma
1rst week july= "gaia nature arts camp" for 5-7 yr olds with luz elena morey in brattleboro, vt
that weekend= maybe red tent in hartford, ct; or camping on keith's farm near northampton, ma
2nd week july= housesitting/exploring near brattleboro, vt
3rd week july= "gaia nature arts camp" for 8-12 yr olds with luz elena morey in brattleboro, vt
final week of july= still open

and then aug is mostly open, until aug 20 is women's herbal conference... and i think i will hitch around maine for a bit and explore some mountains i haven't touched yet, check out a high point, dip in the ocean for a few days, etc (mount desert island...!)

pow wow!

the order and preservation of indigenous cultures 
a gathering of tribes, really
disconnected yet (re)connected

the rhythm of the heartbeat drum just sets my heart beating faster
and then slower again
as we attune to the drum 
and attune to each other 
we begin to notice 
our voices coming from a shared breath
of the same quality of air and breathing 
into the nose, down into the belly, out thru the mouth
to be shared some more 
with the trees and fields surrounding
and the eagle soaring above 
riding on that same air current 
of precious breath
gift friend air wind 
take us as we soar 
on air currents of drum song

old songs, new songs, so many songs!
i recorded most
but it will take quite a while for me to really remember them 
for now, three are stuck in my head
seems like every other moment though
i remember another song
and find myself humming yet another pow wow tune
as i toodle around the woods and observe mosses growing
(that same beat thrums in you too huh?) 

many of the songs don't have a literal meaning 
but the feeling that the song evokes
that is what is important 
that is what is intentional
not the words
the words come secondary to the feelings 

and then at night we women gathered around 
the red clover womens' drum 
for me, it doesn't quite matter who i'm drumming with
so long as we get attuned
and the magic happens 
but there's just something about all us women gathered together
with a drum without a drum 
but ooh that night yes with a drum 
and drumming and singing and laughing and sharing
shining eyes reflecting the stars
with shared hands beating the sacred ancient drum 
something magic
is still here 
and reawakening 



to hitch or not to hitch?
that is the question
in a state of too many cars and not enough real people
i have many questions



my family name is lin
which means forest
my given chinese name
my "real name" is 
ji ling
ji is from an old family poem
each generation gets the next
word in the poem 
ji also means basic, foundational,
ling is the sound of bells
ethereal and abstract
ji ling is like grounded ether
sky and earth melded into one
ji ling also means spritely, flexible, nimble
like a fairy
lin ji ling
forest sprite

i am now going by my chinese name
ji ling 
(that's me... as well as a compendium of joyce, jaz, crow... and all the other names along the way. but now, back to ji-ling. hello, again)


i just saw all seven of the chickens sprinting past the kitchen
with a raccoon in hot pursuit
he wasn't afraid to run into the bushes 
and watch me with big bandit eyes


chalk art 2

chalk art


dream: lotuses

always remember that wherever you go, there will be lotus blossoms in your footsteps... so that you will never be lost


dance weekend

whirlwind weekend 
friday up to earthdance 
(hello, keith and lani, and amazing new farmers shauna and howell!) 
beautiful land, shining faces
hello massachusetts 
and goodbye again on saturday 
but first 
a magical mystical nature walk thru the rain 
inspiration to live fully, even to the city dwellers
thanks justin 
silence and loudness
can you hear the birds as they speak to each other thru the mists?
we are the birds speaking to each other thru the mists too 
and then kalyan's new farm 
not yet named
not yet planted
but all in progress
and oh so beautiful and amazing and utterly
so full of love and magic and 
filled with joy and hope
off to vermont!
where cars have congregated 
with people inside
at camp neringa 
for a weekend powwow
us, for a few hours 
of hello lovely mira and efan and other
beautiful old friends and acquiantances that i don't remember
but have still touched my life!
bluegrass music never fails
to make me swing
in the morning bright and early
grey rather
it's been grey all throughout 
new england is beginning to feel like a 
big grey temple tent
with green trees like greenish clouds
hanging above my head
above the grey
that envelopes all 
zooming bak down
freeways and traffic
as ingwe tells stories of leopards in jungles, on cd
and we trade raunchy teenage jokes
that bring us back to summers past
and i sleep with cold wet muddy feet plastered against
the breathing window
(or are my feet breathing)
feeling the hartbeat pulsation sensation 
in my little pinky toe 
soaring to 
back down back down 
to connect i cut
for new england primitive skills gathering
where me and justin first met
last summer 
and i haven't seen many of these people for a full year
and i realize just how much changes
and how much does not
and what?! i am still here in connect i cut
and am not yet cut
but not quite connected either
but am more and more realizing that
yet quite


rain rain

when i close my eyes, i see
small mushroom clouds of dust poofing 
as raindrop fairies alight
in the desert
the ground just keeps sopping it up 
until one day the sponge has had enough
and all the moss just erupts in little explosions
loud enough for the fairies to start
jigging in joy



hell-realm of normalcy 

schedules and cars that ride faster than the wind
barely even time to cook a good dinner

maybe this is just time to rest 
and recuperate after years of a different kind of running 
a kind of flying
running, flying, leaping, soaring with the wind
instead of in the opposite direction 
at full speed

a different kind of wind, a new sort of slow
a slow found in in-between moments of whooshing breath
gasping for air
air that had been forgotten 
in the rushing madness

what now do i choose for myself
i've dipped toes, then jumped full-on into both worlds
feels like i'm spiralling back and forth
and when i make comparisons
i see it's not such a big decision after all 
the spiral keeps turning, regardless 
but then, it's also a huge decision
shall i turn towards the sun, slowly, like a dandelion 
or shall i turn downwards yet up 
being stretched tightly into a middle place of balance
my guts stretched out tight to be poked with sticks
and push pulled into leather 
a tight unforgiving leather
that does not give in to the sly kisses of the wind
for it can no longer feel
it is stretched too tight

i feel like a tired wind caught between the currents of the tides
in a confusing whirlpool of motion
a black hole of dark unknown
heavy rock tied to my ankles 
pulling so hard that they bleed they bleed they bleed
i am bleeding to death
for my heart has been ripped to pieces 
devoured by so many little cords of blind hunger
that stretch leather of what was once a heart
until there is no more blood to bleed 
it is caked and hard
and eventually
back to dust 

i wonder if sometimes late at night
the dust sits up and wonders
where did i come from 



a duck got hurt last night
saw a mama and two baby raccoons in a tree, today
one life for three others? 

we see at least 3 deer and a squirrel dead on the side of the road every time we drive somewhere 
there's many more we don't see, i'm sure 
a handful of roadkill for a couple hundred cars and a society that moves too quickly? 

my stomach hurts when i think about the roadkill and stinky cars
it hurts also when i walk into a grocery store with its lights and too much stuff
our society of comfort and over-consumption

sometimes i wish i wasn't born american 
and yet, i also understand
(not quite) 


more spring!

i saw the first mullein blossoms of the season (bright yellow gorgeous flowers on a tall green stalk with the fuzziest most fantastic leaves)
and the first milkweed blossoms of the season! (beautifully intricate blossoms that are mostly white, but so much more... and smell like pure bliss. between the roses and the milkweeds, I am in heaven)

photos soon enough...



my week has been, thus far: 
lambsquarters day with brenda
bluegrass fest night, and recording songs with kari
hike to waterfall, and see coyote and snake
firefly and turtle and mosses with justin
ocean, roses, and lucy 
river walking with rocks, rain, thunder, and nettles
more roses



pink and white rosas
sing angels sounds 
and gently crowd each other to 
the locked doors of my heart
and blow fresh air into dusty chambers
and paint everything
an exhilaratingly reddish hue of ahhh



... but then again, life is short
and if not now, 
then when? 


i have so much desires 
i want to do everything 
that perhaps it's best 
just to do 


coyote, snake, and caterpillar

i rarely even hear coyote over here, and very much miss the nightly coyote chorus of the desert southwest. but today, i saw my first coyote here in connecticut... and he looked healthy, though i think he would do better even deeper in the woods, perhaps out of this part of the state. we connected eyes, which shook my spirit in the best most magical way possible. 

when i saw snake, it was mere seconds after thinking "snake." i looked up at a cluster of rocks, thinking it would be a nice place to sit for a while, then i thought, "no; there should be snakes there, too." then i saw snake! chillaxing, staring at different rocks. snake never fails to get some kind of scream out of me... primal innate fear, and great respect. watched him slither off... he seemed very relaxed. 

caterpillar was dangling on a small silken cord off a tall tree, waving to and fro in the wind, struggling, struggling! like a tightrope walker with a broken tightrope, hanging on for dear life! 

and then ofcourse, winds were big and nice today...


that day, the other class (older clan) saw a bear! 
tracked it down; it tracked them down
more and more magic

barred owl

we saw a barred owl in class, a few weeks ago
her face looks like a modigliani painting:
big round eyes with a big long nose, circular head
magical feeling
we hooted back and forth to owl, as we crawled up a hill, and she sat in a tree
"i will never forget today" the kids agreed 


brave new

earth shaking
sky flashing
to a tremble rumble flash shake sky
trees falling
on babies crawling
to a robot driven go go lie
walking forward
falling down
grasping upwards
tumbling down down down
striving to remember
magic of simple nights just watching
stars walk across purple skies
simple waters rushing complex patterns
sunlight hitting reflections onto
solid mountain granite ageless stone
unmoving face that suddenly breaks
tumbling down down down
into cocoon morphing
trembling naked butterfly
new to a
brave new world



i watched the moon today through a huge telescope
saw its' mountains, valleys, craters, and more...
moon in the sky,
always watching and knowing
having patiently and gently watched our ancestors as they crawled from water to land, swung from tree to earth, danced from earth to sky
i feel small yet massive
we are made of stardust
i felt meteors today
traveling so fast thru space at speeds i can't even imagine
to land, hunk of black magnetic metal
on our planet
we walk around on two legs and take ourselves so seriously
while the moon slowly moves away from the earth
our sun slowly dies
and dust, stones, and more spin and spin around saturn
who really is as magical looking and feeling as i've always imagined
we are more than just our two legs and our ridiculous seriousness
so much more
we are nothing and everything
all rolled into one great
magic mudball



i am obsessed
with throwing things away
and compacting things into small bins of the same sort
even though they're not my things
i think subconsciously
i know
that i am going somewhere
even if it's the same place
i am still going
and i am getting rid of
to make space for more


old and new day

going somewhere again in two weeks
if not going somewhere again
moment by moment
while remaining still and present

light being floating in space
from elemental connection
of caves, oceans, flames, and gusts of winds
to nothing and everythingness

fresh candles and glossy red lips today
remixing old wax for new candles
remixing old oils for new salves
and then stretching tall for a long bike ride

rebirthing experience from before until now
recreating old boxes into new possibilities
reframing my head until suddenly it's all clear
and then i will dye it a forest green, or desert red

hands that hold, hands that support
hands that give, hands that receive
hands that balance and move
and dance on their own, and dance of our own

the sky is grey today
and i am whatever colors the moments bring


trash and gifts

it's a nonstop thing
this cleaning business
it's not just my own trash i need to clean up, clear out
it's other people's trash too

i also hold trash from my parents, and their parents, and their parent's parents
and i hold trash from my friends, and their friends, and their friend's friends
and as if all that isn't enough
there's trash from the whole entire world too

but along with the trash comes gifts
gifts that sometimes hide the trash
gifts that sometimes hide behind the trash

i'm tired of cleaning
but oh does it feel nice when all the trash is gone
and i am just surrounded by gifts



drip-drop sunsets
melt and mold
into dewdrop day gleam
shine star morning sun
melting and molding
drip-drop rain glimmers
life-giving to dry dust dirt
mish mash mixing
to form mud glorious mud
by wind push pull drag run
to embrace
heat source light love of all


sit-spot: noon to dusk- some mountain- Bethany, CT

I've been around Connecticut for a total of about 10 months now. Since getting into this state, I've only hitchiked twice: once to visit Justin, the other time today. The last time, it took forever. Today, it was about as smooth as it gets: I stick out my thumb at the first car that passes, he stops and picks me up, we have nice conversation and find things in common, I get where I need to go... right before it gets dark. How perfect? Completely perfect. :)
Oh, and of the 10 months, this is also the second time getting "lost." Rare occasion. I cherished it.
Violets, quite an array: purple, yellow, purple with white dots, white with purple dots, white and purple striped (like a circus, yes!)
Mosquitoes got a meal today. I followed the stream down, in an attempt to get back to the stream I started at... got to a waterfall, instead. A "private" waterfall. Landed in rich man's land. Was amazed I caught a ride immediately! Hitchhiking is a great way of dispelling preconceived notions... and sometimes underlining them.
Big rocks up to, around, and on top of the mountain. Fabulous rocks to dance on, sing to, sleep with. I enjoyed them; they enjoyed me; we had a grand old time.
And now my feet are sore from barefoot running, jumping, dancing, lost-and-found-making all afternoon... and I am very pleased. :)
The town from up high looks so small. The trees overshadow the town. Trees in what looks like four rows: the front row of tall soft green trees, second row of reddish trees, third row soft green again, fourth row darker green. And many songs running through my head, including a line, "I see blue skies, I see butterflies, for us." Looking up to blue skies and black butterfly, yellow butterfly, white butterfly, and bees too. Oh, there's beauty everywhere. (and then, no word songs, just heartbeat and breath songs. mmm yes, maybe the best song of all)