11.21.2012

forest lin family: nainai's feast

lins... ma with forest side of my family :) 

rainy hike

mama's rockin rock design: share the love with the world

taipei- 3rd morning

what are plans
when fate has other ideas? 

today i planned to take my ma up my favorite river walk 
to my favorite little place thus far in taipei
a small swimming hole at the base of a gorge
called apo tan

this morning i wake to the endless rhythmic beating of rain 
the path will be too slippery
river probably too high to walk up 
plans cancelled for.... another year or so 

today i am thoughtful and silent 
yesterday bored, today introspective 
today is my mama's final day in taiwan 
i feel like deep open connection is still lacking 

perhaps today is the day 
that all my dreams will come true 
lying in deep sleep 
under cover of rain 

a wiggle and crack
i know this heart will open 
i know my fears will fade away 
breath of deep fresh intoxicating air 

dizzying dreams of one final big island wander 
today i will look at maps and start pulling connections 

trembling anticipation of returning to home-across-the-world 
why is taiwan/ asia home so far away from usa home? 
today i will continue looking into grad school and talking to friends and teachers 

a yearning desire to connect, and a cold holding fear to do so 
today i will make left-handed art, right hand relaxing with iodine and cephalexin
i love you so much 
that i am afraid to get close,
and then be torn apart again 

river drum, rain beat 
my right arm wound is slowly closing 
fingers numb, hands tingling 
mother earth carry me, your child i will always be 
rhythmic rocking, drumbeat home 

today i will bring songs 
to translate from english into chinese 
together with my mama

and then 
we will improvise 
taking turns playing drone, understory monotone 
that undercurrent strength that guides river through waterfall splendids on top 

and then 
i let go of plans! 
i let go 
anything can happen, will happen 
i can only provide 
the beam structural guiding possibility of support 
the rest i leave up to you 
oh Creator 
thanks for making it oh-so-incredibly 

gorgeous 

in all it's unexpectedness, diverse colors, shadows, symmetry, dissonance, and 
perfection 

edge

there's something about the 
autumn 
wind
that drive my cells 
c r a z y 
with
delight
and a certain unspeakable 
longing 
torn between summer heat and winter chill 
balanced on the edge 
i smile 

i like this place 
walking between worlds 
neither sun nor moon, day nor night 
in between seasons 
the rain a cleansing transition between worlds 

i am both taiwanese and american 
logical yet artistic 
desert childhood, yet forest ancestry 
revering freedom and flow, yet also obsessed with order and control 
a striking balance 
between holding the pen lightly yet drawing strong lines 
with unique personal character 

world of sky
world of earth 

world of city civilized 
world of wild ancient 

travelling has been such a gift 
so has been staying put in taizhong for 3 months 
my backpack sits beside me, grey and tired 
just the smell of it makes me smile and grimace simultaneously 
what a journey 
between worlds of all sorts 
and now, a choice 
always, a balance 
choosing yet flowing 
fate, destiny

the music quickens 
2012 is coming to a close 
life is always dying and birthing, birthing and dying 
never ending cycle, 
nothing new, yet everything new 
zen koans endless! 

rising crescendo
step lightly yet with purpose 
you are magnificent, your influence grandiose 

i am seriously contemplating returning to usa in january or february 
i am researching my options right now 
and praying for guidance 
(choice, and flow) 
need to keep reminding myself that taiwan and asia will always be here 
neither goodbye nor hello are forever 
i can leave... and return... whenever i choose 
i use the money, i make it again 
i fly away, i fly back 

realized yesterday, walking through a tunnel and thinking about my huge extended non-blood family in usa and around the world 
that i will always miss people and places 
no matter where i go, 
i could always be somewhere else 
there is always the possibility of greener grass elsewhere 
but
i am here now 
(wherever you go... there you are!!!) 
appreciate each moment 
there will always be darkness to gripe about 
and imperfections to pick at 
there are points of learning in everything 
remain openhearted 
and follow the best, most suitable, brightest path 
maybe it's not the easiest path
maybe it's not even a clear path
God! i have bushwhacked for so long
path becomes clearer with each step 
each moment of silence providing more nourishment for further growth 

but what if...? 
you will have enough 
everything you need 
will come 

maybe it will be difficult 
but you will be okay 

everything 
is 
possible 

redefine 
your boundaries 

infinite 

but know your limitations 
and turn them into opportunities

current limitation= right wrist 
opportunity for ample rest and growth
cherishing this sacred stillness 
as i lick
the knife's edge

reopening old wounds 
to reexamine them
and heal unhealed pieces 
falling down down Death Valley down only to climb back up again, gross and dirty, ready
working hard
rising up, then 
stronger than the winds on Everest 

11.20.2012

taipei- day 1

it feels like coming home 
to roll around this city 
knowing where i walk 
confidence with the cadence of my feet stepping 
upon ground that i have left and returned to and left and returned to
often for the past two years 
and way back to when i was a few months old 
this home of 
taipei
endless car rhythm 
like a cage or a drumbeat
schedule tightly packed 
like muscle around bone 
morning with nainai grandma 
eating too much deliciousness 
stretching my smile, widening my heart 
listening to stories with mama and nainai and aunt gugu
falling asleep, legs on mama's lap, soft murmur of adult voices 

i have nothing to lose 
and everything to gain 
fear is a self-protection mechanism 
that i can acknowledge 
then let go
i have been hurt before 
that's why i hold tension in my smile 
and guard my heart
hey hey fear, i see you- namaste 
and it's okay to 
slowly
let 
go

wake, rush, run to bus- perfect timing 
roll up to acupuncture with teacher tofu
mama takes herself too seriously 
her body is stiff, straight, and tight 
more exercise that gets heart beating, dancing, and joyous
more massages, more freedom, more yoga 
i like massage better than tcm cupping 
painful needling techniques hurt
what is best for me to study?
keep learning one thing then onto another 
it's all useful, coalescing 
most important is heart

then connecting hearts with my taipei-mama, aji
sitting under streetlight, bats overhead, seven-star mountain overlooking 
follow your dreams 
sometimes they take a lot of time to manifest 
don't hold yourself back by others standards 
jump for the moon 
one day, i also want to make a music recording- of healing songs for earth and hearts

bus-ride back down the mtn, rush hr, dinner with grandma, appointments, earring admiration with aunt 
i enjoying making my grannie ama laugh with crass jokes that completely knock her off-guard

calm walk, floating back to my taiwan university, to ceramics club 
talk with teacher again 
he's focused on ceramics all his life 
will spend next 3 yrs of life preparing for his biggest gallery exhibit
what is a life, if nothing to show for it? 
all love from students
i like being called "lao shi" too 
and guiding others 
i like the feel of university 
this may be a good path 
ceramics laoshi says with fervent absolute conviction
yes! follow your heart 
your travels provide you absolute certainty for your path
don't be in any rush! 

slow calm stroll home, stopping to visit marina en route 
bump into tall canadian at the door 
and so it begins 
marina climbed today, first day, indoor wall 
long white cotton acrobatics silk hanging from center of her room 
cat purring, sharp little claws 
laughter and connection, openness and freedom 
it's past my bedtime 
oh well 

we go to fancy hotel, butt bumping down the street
reconnection with friends old and new, laughter 
this is new yet familiar 
i feel like i've just walked out of a nunnery 
and into something tremblingly alive 
divinity in humanity 
i am tentative yet delighted 
and wonder why nobody is dancing 
to such wild and fabulous music
under such lights
with jeans radiating against the wall 
records shining circles
and glass bottle decor 
we lie against sofa
yoda teaches me 
don't try, do. don't do, be 
do be do be do be... 
crazy poetry trees 
skin to skin fascia kidney meridian oceanic waves weaving
energy lines correspond with muscles 
i, dance therapy
he, physical therapy
she, art therapy 
we talk about turtles, cockroaches, and bacon
hands soft on my chest, warm down arm, sweet against scar: 10-20 minutes, daily. one month
be gentle 
it's beautiful to be strong 
but even more powerful when you can choose strength or gentleness 
you are beautiful when you are tired... more soft, feminine 
don't need exhaustion and sickness to tap into the daisies and meadows elements within me
right now i am enjoying the fire and bursting balls of sunshine 
hands cupped but not touching, ball of energy
tell me stories! 
hand on shoulder, energy ball, rising
visualization
healing golden energy 
rise up
lymph, move
infection, release
scar, close 
arm, relax 
heart, open 

heart to heart

we sing on the mrt, voices a blur 
i like having a background drone, a comfy earth element to ground and root for infinite potential rising and soaring or harmonizing vocals 
stepping out of the bright mrt lights and into the darkness with venus above ( i know you )
i enjoy not knowing where i am, at home and finding my way again

thank you for sharing my journey 

11.18.2012

poem- to life, to hospital, to fear

(pain, fear, and other "negative" emotions instigate excellent fodder for poetry... that i feel taps at the most core piece of our selves: our deepest pain. for that mirrors our deepest joy, our brightest bliss, our truest beauty. in sanskrit... satchitananda. our innate incredible nature, that only our suffering/ trauma/ drama can illuminate, and open. blessings on your journey, fellow human! i wrote the below poem before reluctantly returning to hospital, second time)
---

i am already living as consciously as i know how 
go to the people, start with what they know, get to where's they're at, accept that, and then move from there 
same with myself 

what to do when your friend is in pain 
what to do when your child is crying 
just hold 
embrace 
accept 
and listen 
offering unconditional love and support 
and only giving suggestions if they ask for it 
and then, listening more than you speak 
be wary of your tongue 
and what you think you know 
one thing for one person may be something completely different for another person 

you may think real such things as ghosts from past lives coming to haunt again in this life 
and i may think that complete bullshit 
you may think that that healer is amazing 
and i may think that her tools are weak and rusty, and she needs to go make love on top of a waterfall with herself for a few days before she can help anyone 
she needs some passion in her life 
some brightness in her face 
some tone in her voice 
some power behind her punch 

i am off 
to go court wolves and dance with the darkness 
i am going 
back to a hospital of white-jackets, grim-faces, and hearts that are tired but still trying 
dear Creator 
let me be open to the possibility 
of all possibilities 
that sometimes yes this 
and other times no that
and don't always remain strong and hard
be flexible and bend with the wind 

don't say to me "hush hush- don't cry. it's okay" 
say to me, "cry!!! howl!!! wail out your pain!!! let it go, let it go go go... and it is so beautiful"
say to me, " i see you in your pain 
i see you in your magnificence 
you are beautiful
and i love you for your tears, pain, and beauty
as you rise up pale, dirty, weak, shriveled, and sobbing
i love you too 
as you rise up strong, glowing, eyes bright, teeth gnashing, a bellowing war song on your breath 
i love you for all these moments yes 

dear wrist 
dear tongue 
dear locked up limbs and chakras
physical points and energetic centers 
whole being
dear 
self 
surrendering, surrendered, graceful, uplifted, shattered, shaking, and 
i am living as consciously as i know how 
i make my decisions with discernment and as much collective wisdom as i can dredge up from within and around me 

this life 
i am still here 
for a yes i know why now 
touch and be touched
set fire to the dead dear landscape with passion, laughter, heart-head-and-hips wide open 
surrender
release
step forward with boldness and courage 
body dead, eyes flashing

aho

muse

morning still
soft sacred silent receptive 
you come whispering 
tiptoeing in on breezy feet
a kiss and smile on your lips 
cheeks flushed and laughing 
goosebumps from the cold
mud on your cheek 
your hair smells like wet grass 
there's ferns stuck between your toes 
wild doe, gentle wild fierce being darling creature
she who howls in the night and dances in the day and fears nothing yet lies quaking 
she who holds all the world in her hands yet mutters self-limiting mantras to herself under her breath 
she would glitters on stages around the world yet cannot stand atop the stage within her heart
and dialogue with her self 
why 
can't i hear you? 
morning silence, midnight waiting, baiting 
i welcome you 
with smoke, stone, and elixir 
i welcome you 
with colors, books, and music
i welcome you 
with empty pages, receptive bodies, 
and baskets once overflowing now tipped dry to receive the blessings of sun, wind, moon, earth
i welcome you 
silent raging loud ravaging one
creator destructress amazing empress
come fill me now 

11.17.2012

after hospital

pic 1= before 
pic 2= after 

lots of pus was released