taipei- 3rd morning

what are plans

when fate has other ideas? 

today i planned to take my ma up my favorite river walk 

to my favorite little place thus far in taipei

a small swimming hole at the base of a gorge

called apo tan

this morning i wake to the endless rhythmic beating of rain 

the path will be too slippery

river probably too high to walk up 

plans cancelled for.... another year or so 

today i am thoughtful and silent 

yesterday bored, today introspective 

today is my mama's final day in taiwan 

i feel like deep open connection is still lacking 

perhaps today is the day 

that all my dreams will come true 

lying in deep sleep 

under cover of rain 

a wiggle and crack

i know this heart will open 

i know my fears will fade away 

breath of deep fresh intoxicating air 

dizzying dreams of one final big island wander 

today i will look at maps and start pulling connections 

trembling anticipation of returning to home-across-the-world 

why is taiwan/ asia home so far away from usa home? 

today i will continue looking into grad school and talking to friends and teachers 

a yearning desire to connect, and a cold holding fear to do so 

today i will make left-handed art, right hand relaxing with iodine and cephalexin

i love you so much 

that i am afraid to get close,

and then be torn apart again 

river drum, rain beat 

my right arm wound is slowly closing 

fingers numb, hands tingling 

mother earth carry me, your child i will always be 

rhythmic rocking, drumbeat home 

today i will bring songs 

to translate from english into chinese 

together with my mama

and then 

we will improvise 

taking turns playing drone, understory monotone 

that undercurrent strength that guides river through waterfall splendids on top 

and then 

i let go of plans! 

i let go 

anything can happen, will happen 

i can only provide 

the beam structural guiding possibility of support 

the rest i leave up to you 

oh Creator 

thanks for making it oh-so-incredibly 

gorgeous 

in all it's unexpectedness, diverse colors, shadows, symmetry, dissonance, and 

perfection 

edge

there's something about the 

autumn 

wind

that drive my cells 

c r a z y 

with

delight

and a certain unspeakable 

longing 

torn between summer heat and winter chill 

balanced on the edge 

i smile 

i like this place 

walking between worlds 

neither sun nor moon, day nor night 

in between seasons 

the rain a cleansing transition between worlds 

i am both taiwanese and american 

logical yet artistic 

desert childhood, yet forest ancestry 

revering freedom and flow, yet also obsessed with order and control 

a striking balance 

between holding the pen lightly yet drawing strong lines 

with unique personal character 

world of sky

world of earth 

world of city civilized 

world of wild ancient 

travelling has been such a gift 

so has been staying put in taizhong for 3 months 

my backpack sits beside me, grey and tired 

just the smell of it makes me smile and grimace simultaneously 

what a journey 

between worlds of all sorts 

and now, a choice 

always, a balance 

choosing yet flowing 

fate, destiny

the music quickens 

2012 is coming to a close 

life is always dying and birthing, birthing and dying 

never ending cycle, 

nothing new, yet everything new 

zen koans endless! 

rising crescendo

step lightly yet with purpose 

you are magnificent, your influence grandiose 

i am seriously contemplating returning to usa in january or february 

i am researching my options right now 

and praying for guidance 

(choice, and flow) 

need to keep reminding myself that taiwan and asia will always be here 

neither goodbye nor hello are forever 

i can leave... and return... whenever i choose 

i use the money, i make it again 

i fly away, i fly back 

realized yesterday, walking through a tunnel and thinking about my huge extended non-blood family in usa and around the world 

that i will always miss people and places 

no matter where i go, 

i could always be somewhere else 

there is always the possibility of greener grass elsewhere 

but

i am here now 

(wherever you go... there you are!!!) 

appreciate each moment 

there will always be darkness to gripe about 

and imperfections to pick at 

there are points of learning in everything 

remain openhearted 

and follow the best, most suitable, brightest path 

maybe it's not the easiest path

maybe it's not even a clear path

God! i have bushwhacked for so long

path becomes clearer with each step 

each moment of silence providing more nourishment for further growth 

but what if...? 

you will have enough 

everything you need 

will come 

maybe it will be difficult 

but you will be okay 

everything 

is 

possible 

redefine 

your boundaries 

infinite 

but know your limitations 

and turn them into opportunities

current limitation= right wrist 

opportunity for ample rest and growth

cherishing this sacred stillness 

as i lick

the knife's edge

reopening old wounds 

to reexamine them

and heal unhealed pieces 

falling down down Death Valley down only to climb back up again, gross and dirty, ready

working hard

rising up, then 

stronger than the winds on Everest 

taipei- day 1

it feels like coming home 

to roll around this city 

knowing where i walk 

confidence with the cadence of my feet stepping 

upon ground that i have left and returned to and left and returned to

often for the past two years 

and way back to when i was a few months old 

this home of 

taipei

endless car rhythm 

like a cage or a drumbeat

schedule tightly packed 

like muscle around bone 

morning with nainai grandma 

eating too much deliciousness 

stretching my smile, widening my heart 

listening to stories with mama and nainai and aunt gugu

falling asleep, legs on mama's lap, soft murmur of adult voices 

i have nothing to lose 

and everything to gain 

fear is a self-protection mechanism 

that i can acknowledge 

then let go

i have been hurt before 

that's why i hold tension in my smile 

and guard my heart

hey hey fear, i see you- namaste 

and it's okay to 

slowly

let 

go

wake, rush, run to bus- perfect timing 

roll up to acupuncture with teacher tofu

mama takes herself too seriously 

her body is stiff, straight, and tight 

more exercise that gets heart beating, dancing, and joyous

more massages, more freedom, more yoga 

i like massage better than tcm cupping 

painful needling techniques hurt

what is best for me to study?

keep learning one thing then onto another 

it's all useful, coalescing 

most important is heart

then connecting hearts with my taipei-mama, aji

sitting under streetlight, bats overhead, seven-star mountain overlooking 

follow your dreams 

sometimes they take a lot of time to manifest 

don't hold yourself back by others standards 

jump for the moon 

one day, i also want to make a music recording- of healing songs for earth and hearts

bus-ride back down the mtn, rush hr, dinner with grandma, appointments, earring admiration with aunt 

i enjoying making my grannie ama laugh with crass jokes that completely knock her off-guard

calm walk, floating back to my taiwan university, to ceramics club 

talk with teacher again 

he's focused on ceramics all his life 

will spend next 3 yrs of life preparing for his biggest gallery exhibit

what is a life, if nothing to show for it? 

all love from students

i like being called "lao shi" too 

and guiding others 

i like the feel of university 

this may be a good path 

ceramics laoshi says with fervent absolute conviction

yes! follow your heart 

your travels provide you absolute certainty for your path

don't be in any rush! 

slow calm stroll home, stopping to visit marina en route 

bump into tall canadian at the door 

and so it begins 

marina climbed today, first day, indoor wall 

long white cotton acrobatics silk hanging from center of her room 

cat purring, sharp little claws 

laughter and connection, openness and freedom 

it's past my bedtime 

oh well 

we go to fancy hotel, butt bumping down the street

reconnection with friends old and new, laughter 

this is new yet familiar 

i feel like i've just walked out of a nunnery 

and into something tremblingly alive 

divinity in humanity 

i am tentative yet delighted 

and wonder why nobody is dancing 

to such wild and fabulous music

under such lights

with jeans radiating against the wall 

records shining circles

and glass bottle decor 

we lie against sofa

yoda teaches me 

don't try, do. don't do, be 

do be do be do be... 

crazy poetry trees 

skin to skin fascia kidney meridian oceanic waves weaving

energy lines correspond with muscles 

i, dance therapy

he, physical therapy

she, art therapy 

we talk about turtles, cockroaches, and bacon

hands soft on my chest, warm down arm, sweet against scar: 10-20 minutes, daily. one month

be gentle 

it's beautiful to be strong 

but even more powerful when you can choose strength or gentleness 

you are beautiful when you are tired... more soft, feminine 

don't need exhaustion and sickness to tap into the daisies and meadows elements within me

right now i am enjoying the fire and bursting balls of sunshine 

hands cupped but not touching, ball of energy

tell me stories! 

hand on shoulder, energy ball, rising

visualization

healing golden energy 

rise up

lymph, move

infection, release

scar, close 

arm, relax 

heart, open 

heart to heart

we sing on the mrt, voices a blur 

i like having a background drone, a comfy earth element to ground and root for infinite potential rising and soaring or harmonizing vocals 

stepping out of the bright mrt lights and into the darkness with venus above ( i know you )

i enjoy not knowing where i am, at home and finding my way again

thank you for sharing my journey 

poem- to life, to hospital, to fear

(pain, fear, and other "negative" emotions instigate excellent fodder for poetry... that i feel taps at the most core piece of our selves: our deepest pain. for that mirrors our deepest joy, our brightest bliss, our truest beauty. in sanskrit... satchitananda. our innate incredible nature, that only our suffering/ trauma/ drama can illuminate, and open. blessings on your journey, fellow human! i wrote the below poem before reluctantly returning to hospital, second time)
---

i am already living as consciously as i know how 

go to the people, start with what they know, get to where's they're at, accept that, and then move from there 

same with myself 

what to do when your friend is in pain 

what to do when your child is crying 

just hold 

embrace 

accept 

and listen 

offering unconditional love and support 

and only giving suggestions if they ask for it 

and then, listening more than you speak 

be wary of your tongue 

and what you think you know 

one thing for one person may be something completely different for another person 

you may think real such things as ghosts from past lives coming to haunt again in this life 

and i may think that complete bullshit 

you may think that that healer is amazing 

and i may think that her tools are weak and rusty, and she needs to go make love on top of a waterfall with herself for a few days before she can help anyone 

she needs some passion in her life 

some brightness in her face 

some tone in her voice 

some power behind her punch 

i am off 

to go court wolves and dance with the darkness 

i am going 

back to a hospital of white-jackets, grim-faces, and hearts that are tired but still trying 

dear Creator 

let me be open to the possibility 

of all possibilities 

that sometimes yes this 

and other times no that

and don't always remain strong and hard

be flexible and bend with the wind 

don't say to me "hush hush- don't cry. it's okay" 

say to me, "cry!!! howl!!! wail out your pain!!! let it go, let it go go go... and it is so beautiful"

say to me, " i see you in your pain 

i see you in your magnificence 

you are beautiful

and i love you for your tears, pain, and beauty

as you rise up pale, dirty, weak, shriveled, and sobbing

i love you too 

as you rise up strong, glowing, eyes bright, teeth gnashing, a bellowing war song on your breath 

i love you for all these moments yes 

dear wrist 

dear tongue 

dear locked up limbs and chakras

physical points and energetic centers 

whole being

dear 

self 

surrendering, surrendered, graceful, uplifted, shattered, shaking, and 

i am living as consciously as i know how 

i make my decisions with discernment and as much collective wisdom as i can dredge up from within and around me 

this life 

i am still here 

for a yes i know why now 

touch and be touched

set fire to the dead dear landscape with passion, laughter, heart-head-and-hips wide open 

surrender

release

step forward with boldness and courage 

body dead, eyes flashing

aho

muse

morning still

soft sacred silent receptive 

you come whispering 

tiptoeing in on breezy feet

a kiss and smile on your lips 

cheeks flushed and laughing 

goosebumps from the cold

mud on your cheek 

your hair smells like wet grass 

there's ferns stuck between your toes 

wild doe, gentle wild fierce being darling creature

she who howls in the night and dances in the day and fears nothing yet lies quaking 

she who holds all the world in her hands yet mutters self-limiting mantras to herself under her breath 

she would glitters on stages around the world yet cannot stand atop the stage within her heart

and dialogue with her self 

why 

can't i hear you? 

morning silence, midnight waiting, baiting 

i welcome you 

with smoke, stone, and elixir 

i welcome you 

with colors, books, and music

i welcome you 

with empty pages, receptive bodies, 

and baskets once overflowing now tipped dry to receive the blessings of sun, wind, moon, earth

i welcome you 

silent raging loud ravaging one

creator destructress amazing empress

come fill me now 

after hospital

pic 1= before 

pic 2= after 

lots of pus was released 

svadisthana chakra

confidence to walk with purpose and solidity, and a devilish waggle in the hips 

courage to shout when i need to, and whisper into all the perfect caves and potholes 

oceanic flexibility to twist as far as i need to go, and wisdom to know just when to stop 

boldness to wear the clothes that sing my unique personality 

fearlessness to draw spirals in linear landscapes 

and an inner smile that rises up from balanced central space

walking and waking, within and without

muladara chakra

earth. roots. home. family. feet. legs. grounding. safety. identity. survival. inner child. balance.