questions

來台灣以前心中的一些問題

（november 2010)

阿媽和奶奶生日蛋糕來至阿妹

阿妹， good job on da' 蛋糕! :) they LOVED it 

媽和爺爺榕樹！

我愛榕樹！！！（ok ok... 也愛媽媽！）

媽媽回台大了！

mama

滿月快樂！- happy full moon!

already my third full moon back in taiwan! :)

will be here at least until lunar new year (end of january)

wow, time flies!

已經待在台灣2.5月了。。。 時間過得太快啦！

最少待到新年 ：）

LET GO

let go 

i own nothing 

i am nothing 

let it all go 

all i need is here 

though it is not mine 

i CHOOSE 

this or that to speak, sing, dance, be 

i CHOOSE which way to walk, run, fly, jump

i fall, scream, cry, break my heart, break hearts

i climb up, fall down, climb again, fall again, and then choose 

move the stone, climb over the stone, find another path

i let go

i own nothing 

i am nothing

i choose

this point of connection 

my body touching yours 

give me your weight as i give you mine 

balance and counterbalance and weight sharing 

i let go 

you hold on 

my foot lifts 

yours remains grounded

swing me in a pendulum 

my weight is yours

this body is ours 

gravity, a blessed friend 

this point of connection 

our eyes linked as you pivot around my center of gravity 

wrists strongly interlinked 

i can feel your heart beating through your fingers 

i commit to connection 

but feel like there is not even time to connect with myself 

we are interwoven links of community 

every person i pass by is... a person 

utterly human 

with breath, heartbeat, thoughts, emotions 

and a fluttering something which brings light to eyes and makes each connection colorful, unique, amazing, beautiful

we call it "shen" in chinese 

softly touch me, for i am made of delicate butterfly winds and wings

do not touch me, for i am made of dragon fire and mountain avalanches 

i can destroy you 

i can lift you up 

i can 

i choose

i am 

every single raindrop unique 

every moment different and never to be repeated again 

each breath arising and passing, arising and passing 

all i can think about and feel is mountains, forests, desert, human body, universe

battling with societal and familial expectations 

different colors and pieces of jiling screaming and ripping against each other

pulling and pushing in all directions 

thousands of small atoms and cells birthing and dying, birthing and dying

why can't i let go of this tension in my left hip? 

let go 

let go 

let go 

home- 回家啦

my grandparents boated over from mainland china when they were young 

around my age, my own parents left home on planes for america 

six years ago, i graduated from college, aimed my compass at "naked life," and left our california home to find home in eco-communities and wilderness

one year ago, i left america for taiwan on a one-way ticket 

tonight, my own mama boards a plane to taiwan 

what a long journey home, from home 

hui jia la... go home la...

welcome home in every moment 

(but sometimes i feel completely homeless)

needling rain - 雨鬱悶

rain. feel sad, romantic, disconnected, distant. desire to connect, run away, rest, stay put. desire to run away into forest or desert and never return to city stink ever ever ever again. desire to walk and just keep on walking, never stopping. desire to finally find a home and stop all this walking wandering nonsense. desire to clear out, get stupid, get normal and stupid and get job and get normal and stupid and typical and comfortable and stupid. but comfortable. desire to rest but also feel restless. feel like never enough sleep. feel like never enough hours in the day to do, learn, share all i want. desire to hoard information, let it grow and grow, spew it back out larger with gift of my own understanding. rain. desire to stick acupuncture needle into the power spot of the rain flow, and make it all burst out. let the energy flow through, and keep coming and keep coming and just let it all flow out. and then, give me back my blue. desire to run away from winter in constant following of my favorite beautiful transition seasons of autumn and spring (i prefer autumn). desire to hide from people. feeling of never able to ask right questions or connect deeply enough. how to sink needle in right direction in right energy point to access the deepest spots and make energy flow most clearly through all points of connection: which includes all points? feeling of frustration and can never learn or understand either fast enough or enough, and not deeply enough to teach it back. desire to communicate clearly. my chinese slowly improving, my english slowly deteriorating. desire to master everything. anger and frustration at being young but not really, anymore. anger at time marching on and on, endless energy stream moving all of us towards eventual waterfall of death with uncertainty of what lies underneath waterfall, and how strong the flow. rain. i want to poke a needle through this rain. i want to hike into mountains and never come back out.