rain. feel sad, romantic, disconnected, distant. desire to connect, run away, rest, stay put. desire to run away into forest or desert and never return to city stink ever ever ever again. desire to walk and just keep on walking, never stopping. desire to finally find a home and stop all this walking wandering nonsense. desire to clear out, get stupid, get normal and stupid and get job and get normal and stupid and typical and comfortable and stupid. but comfortable. desire to rest but also feel restless. feel like never enough sleep. feel like never enough hours in the day to do, learn, share all i want. desire to hoard information, let it grow and grow, spew it back out larger with gift of my own understanding. rain. desire to stick acupuncture needle into the power spot of the rain flow, and make it all burst out. let the energy flow through, and keep coming and keep coming and just let it all flow out. and then, give me back my blue. desire to run away from winter in constant following of my favorite beautiful transition seasons of autumn and spring (i prefer autumn). desire to hide from people. feeling of never able to ask right questions or connect deeply enough. how to sink needle in right direction in right energy point to access the deepest spots and make energy flow most clearly through all points of connection: which includes all points? feeling of frustration and can never learn or understand either fast enough or enough, and not deeply enough to teach it back. desire to communicate clearly. my chinese slowly improving, my english slowly deteriorating. desire to master everything. anger and frustration at being young but not really, anymore. anger at time marching on and on, endless energy stream moving all of us towards eventual waterfall of death with uncertainty of what lies underneath waterfall, and how strong the flow. rain. i want to poke a needle through this rain. i want to hike into mountains and never come back out.
