love letters

love letters to the wind 

get ripped, torn, shredded and strewn all across the planet 

flying back some strange day 

to hit me in the chest

smacking all the air out of my lungs 

and lifting my heart high into sky, bouncing onto earth, and back again into my chest 

beating more rapidly than all the waterfalls in the world coalesced together into one resounding roar 

on this solid stone in the middle of all this rushing water with this beating heart of mine 

and all the shredded wind blown love letters swarming and swirling about me 

every desire to run away bites me like small fish 

small chunks of jiling falling bit by bit into wind, onto rock, into river,

dissolving self back into nothing everything love let 

thai love 4

outdoor fire kitchen fantasticness with tadam, sandot, damien, and shen outside of pai, thai with wild-harvested yummy forest magic food 

and then feet? now here in taiwan with friends and beloved darlings galore 

dad says focus, focus, focus... whatever doesn't fit in with my focus, delete it from my packed schedule 

and so now... i am still asking the same questions in different places as usual, and wondering and setting lines 

make myself healthy 

eat balanced regular meals, cut out sugar, daily yoga/dance/taiji, sleep before 11 pm

figure out focus and walk it strongly and confidently with no distractions 

besides watching the lilies furling and unfurling their big leaves to all the billowing white clouds zipping thru this tender blue autumn sky

thai micro to macro 2

looove

thai micro to macro 1

welcome to thailand sprouts in big ceramic pots, this is where your rice comes from (3 rice plants will emerge from each pocket with so much food and protein), wild mushrooms (this is heaven), making baskets (we know where everything comes from), wild passionfruit (my personal favorite)... and china monarda (motherwort) on a backyard village slope (hello again, dear friend). 

this is where your herbs come from

southern china herb factory

NOW

There is NOTHING to be afraid of. 

There is NO risk. 

What's the worst thing that could happen? 

You could die? 

You will die anyways. 

And, most likely, you won't die anytime soon. 

You've got quite a long road ahead of you still, like it or not. 

But, time goes by quickly and it could all end in a millisecond. 

So, what do you CHOOSE to do with your ONE WILD AND PRECIOUS LIFE? 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING right NOW?

Are your actions in line with your values? 

Are you living the Life of your Dreams? 

If not... then WHY NOT? 

There is NOTHING holding you back. 

There is NOTHING to be afraid of. 

Once you commit to the jump, all the World will rush to hold and support you in preparation of your inevitable landing. 

And, that landing

that commitment 

that risk...

What is Life, if not one huge risk, one huge leap, one huge YES!

And then, another risk, another leap, another YES! 

And then another, and another... 

and sometimes they are leaps, 

and other times, they are just steps.

And every single time, it is a SURRENDER to all the Universe that sometimes whispers and sometimes shouts, 

I LOVE YOU! 

TRUST me. 

Live the Life of your dreams,

and jump. 

Do not be afraid, for THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF. 

Smile at the person sitting next to you on the subway. 

Climb that pretty tree with the inviting branches that you walk by everyday.

Flirt with the cutie you've been secretly staring at from the other side of the room.

Eat the cookies you've been saving for "that special occasion." 

The "special occasion" is NOW. 

Go to all the places you've always dreamed of going to. 

Money is not an issue. It will arrive when needed. 

Catch a bus ride to somewhere you've never been before, and just walk. 

Stick out your thumb, smile, see what happens. 

Dance in the streets. 

Sing songs to strangers. 

Show up in group photos with people you just met. 

Smell all the pretty flowers you pass by. 

Do all things you'd always said, "No, I wouldn't dare," or, "maybe tomorrow," or, "but..." 

If I commit to this flip, this leap, this spin, twirl, twist, full complete action that my body is fully CAPABLE of doing but my mind is AFRAID of doing... 

if I remain afraid, then I will fail. And I will, most miserably, fall. 

But, if I COMMIT to this action, and I TRUST... even in all my not knowing, I TRUST... 

then that trust places everything else in place for successful flight and a strong landing... and flip, leap, spin, twirl, or ANYTHING... yes, I can. Yes, I trust. YES! I dare. 

Our body-mind-heart-spirit selves are just as YES as we allow ourselves to be. 

找工作與休息

我今天整天呆在家裡休息， 睡覺， 做夢， 唸書， 與畫畫。。。 好爽哦！下午去植物園看蓮花和靜坐。。。 好棒， 好舒服。。。 

昨天曾老師給我針灸， 這幾天喝豆腐師哥的中藥， 跟阿凱師哥聊天。。。 我感冒一定會好的。今天。 now. 

又在找工作了。。。 需要很好的幫手嗎？ :) 

am searching for taiwan jobs again... 

let me know if you need some excellent help ;) 

LOVE!!!

venus

five rhythms: flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical, stillness

each a single dance, together a circle 

five seasons, including the transitions between the seasons 

a time of great movement and resting 

five elements: water births wood, births fire, births earth, births metal, 

and then back to the source again, around and around 

and it's all connected

each a single dance, and together another circle 

circles within circles and intersecting circles 

chinese traditional dances and movement meditations in circles

western tradition moving in lines and angles 

five tastes, five emotions, five yin organs, six yang organs

correspondences moving and moving in on and on circles 

and i wonder how on earth does an alien who wants to be an earthling again manage to move back into the circle 

how does one summon up bravery to say, YO! i wanna be part of your circle 

and I'M NOT AFRAID to love and live and laugh

and cry so hard that all the neighbors poke their heads out the windows far enough for all the alien (who are not alien) plants and sky and other friends all SEE 

and smile 

been coughing now for a full month 

lungs/ chest area is connected with metal element

and time of autumn transition 

and too much internal fire 

and emotion of sadness 

everytime i see venus in the sky at night 

(she shines so brightly especially in the mountains, but even under the vegas-style nonstop city lights) 

i remember every place and all the people i know and love 

and i feel the love 

but i also feel sad 

it's one thing to say "i don't miss you... i love you know. and i know you know the difference." 

and it's another thing to feel like 

time passes by so quickly 

and i wonder when/ if i will ever see you again 

in the key of WEEE

eyes that see

每個禮拜如風而飛過去。 風飛過去， 會留著這兒一片移動的葉子， 那兒幾滴小水珠。 風是控制不了的。 

I spend about half my week in the 平地 areas, and the other half of my week 在此山中。 （half my week easy to find in the city... somewhere zooming around via bike, fast little turbo legs, or subway... teaching or being taught... reading or writing... eating or sleeping... and the other half of my week allowing myself to be "nobody" again and absolutely 沒用的木頭會活得最久 in the midst of so much family and forest in the mountains) 

it is the type of balance that makes the two months I've already been in Taiwan feel like... I've crammed a lot into one week. It feels like one week. 

我的媽媽要回來台灣了！ 

是第一次我媽媽跑來看我！

usually I'm in more remote/ difficult to find/ difficult to understand places. This time, I'm in Taipei,Taiwan. My parents grew up here, and then left for school. This is no longer Home-home... but it's still a home. Coming here is no big deal... just about a 15 hour flight across the Ocean to the other side of the planet, where everyone looks completely different than your usual American white bread, and we all speak a different language here. 

And, I LOVE it!!!

I love it. 

And, I'm gonna see my mama again, after a year! 

Already a year away from America. 

I miss people and I miss places... and I wonder when I will return. 

If I return. 

今天想到很多時間上的問題。 

（live your questions. be your answer.) 

在針灸課， 我們剛剛談到眼。。。 eye-diagnosis (Chinese medicine diagnoses= 1. 把脈/ pulse diagnosis 2. tongue diagnosis 3. eye diagnosis 4. sensory diagnosis: evaluating the patients' smell, how they look, how they sound 5. questioning: asking about the patients' environmental, personal, emotional, and other elements of life that all come together to quite super duper holistically manifest themselves in their health and general well-being)

not as complicated as it sounds, and absolutely fascinating 

learning about eye-diagnosis, I look into the mirror and see that I have accumulated way too many late-nights in my life... and my eyes record all these late nights as far too many blood vessels popped and squeezed to the edges of my entire eyeball

our body as a microcosm of the macrocosm 

my body, my Universe

this Universe, oh how I want to take the best care of you! 

前天晚上， 老師幫我下眼針。。。 我怕針， 我怕痛！ 

現在， 要少帶眼鏡， go to sleep between 11-12 at night, eat more C (橘子， 獅子， 柚子， 木瓜， 紅蘿蔔， 白蘿蔔， 番薯。。。）

a fight ensues on the metro

never seen this before 

young woman yelling at old man yelling at young woman

they spit at each other 

why don't you just punch each other, roll around, get it over with 

but, i am glad you are yelling 

i want to yell too, but i will wait until i get back into the mountains 

the city is too small and tight for such passionate energy 

everyone's got it all bottled up 

not me

off for another mountain weekend 

see you in the trees

toilet humor

I walk by the bathroom

"hello teacher Osha!" a kid declares with pants around ankles

a bathroom stall opens

"Teacher Osha!!!" the kid inside sticks his head out, "I am shitting!"

kindergardener kids always make me smile, no matter how tired I get!

wonder? want?

My dance teacher won't come up the mountain with me for body therapy. He has an old hurt shoulder. My Chinese medicine teacher isn't certified, so my dance teacher is afraid. But, he says that once I finish learning these things, he will trust me to help him with his shoulder. Sometimes, you need to meet people first to trust them? But can't I say "If you would trust me... won't you trust my teacher?" But, no.

 

I carry my book of meridians with me everywhere. My Chinese is improving. The weight of the book in my bag gives me a strong back. This morning, I stuck three large body-meridian-human pictures onto my wall, across from my bed, in my small room. It's the first thing I see when I wake up, besides the loving sweet light of yet another day filtering in through the windows. I love waking up in the mornings.

 

So much to learn. So much to help. So many ways to help.

 

Me first, before anyone else.

Can help myself and simultaneously help others.

Sometimes feel completely overwhelmed by all I want to learn... feel like I cannot learn fast enough.

My dance teacher has hurt shoulder.

My other dance teacher has hurt knees.

My own knees hurt.

I still have trauma from the mountain, that we will discuss with the whole class, next class.

I want to climb endless mountains.

I want to play outside all day, and dance until I can dance no more.

I want to make music and make love until sun comes up and keep on doing it until my eyes are bloodshot and weary, and I die from exhaustion.

I want to sleep forever and just rest so fully in some hot spring right next to the coldest stream on earth in the most remote and gorgeous mountains unknown by human eyes.

My friend has difficulty falling asleep and wakes up feeling like something is not quite right in her life... something not quite fulfilled.

I can talk with her, but how to push her over the edge, how to help her get going. Because that's what we both agree she needs... to get going with what is unfulfilling, and move it forward in her life.

Another friend just got booted off his under-the-table job, and now has no money to pay for debts.

I wonder if I too should go to grad school and accumulate debt and learn a lot and then enter the world with yet another degree and even less money than I have now.

I wonder

I want

 

Today, we learned about manipulation and locomotion in dance class.

I am beginning to feel restless and desire to locomote again,

while at the same time feeling so deeply grateful to be here surrounded by all these amazing friends, teachers, and family family family of all colors and varieties, and am contemplating challenging myself by staying here for a year, like I stayed in Connecticut for a year.

 

I wonder

 

I want?

oh, Love

For some reason, there's all this love that comes with blood relations. And with that love, there comes so much pain and suffering, too. And honesty, in all its graceful and awkward bright beauty and frightening hideousness. 

What if I feel more connection with my non-blood family than with my blood family? What if there are few points of clear connection with those that perhaps love me most... but just can't understand me? And then, I find other family that I can connect with on so many more levels than just love and blood... but I keep on leaving each new family I create for myself? 

Dearest Yin and Yang, guess I just need to (keep on with the keep on) find that elusive (yet so blatantly obvious) point of BALANCE. 

什麼都要平和與和平。 

深呼吸， 吧。。。 

and then? 

感恩

感恩

全部的宇宙

美麗的計劃

送我今日

這個身體

這個空氣

這些老師， 家人， 朋友們

心中充滿了感恩， 歡喜， 大愛

friday

For the first time since returning to Taiwan, I spent the whole day at home yesterday

cooked fabulous colorful healthful barely-cooked simply delicious meals 

savored them slowly 

painted lewd completely nude pictures in blatant black and white 

walked, danced, skipped, crawled, ran around with skin in direct contact with air 

read about breath, body, and meridian matters on a nice brown and soft bed of squishy cotton and even squishier belly

dreamed about lands, plants, and people more distant--- and more near--- than i could ever imagine 

reveled all day in my small abode in the middle of this huge taipei city 

and then packed my bags and headed back up into the mountains for another mountain weekend 

miracles

maciej and i sat under the slide in the park, eating fruit, with rain pouring down around us above the slide, and thunder and lightning... and huge smiles on our faces 

we could talk forever 

next time, we dance 

biking back to school, i coughed up a bright yellow solid loogy into my hand 

it's been two weeks 

i can't believe i am still coughing with so much wind in my lungs and loogies galore 

this morning i woke up with a solid dream

my elder bill and i talking, calm and comfortable

he asks me when i will return to see him and another elder, as i am leaving 

i say, maybe between 1-4 years? 

he says, we're dying you know

come back 

i thought about that dream my whole ride down the mountain 

been thinking about death lots lately 

i am grateful for death and life

next time the moon is full again, regardless of weather, i will climb up some high area and howl at the moon 

and laugh with wild abandon at how nicely the cold wind pulls at all the 700 trillion cells dancing in my body

dance and anatomy

dance classes and anatomy classes seem to touch the same things 

but different modes of exploration and learning 

yesterday, 6 hours of movement exploration 

mostly on diverse ways of movement transportation

(we can roll, walk, hop, and more... different levels of movement too...) 

and extension（伸縮）, contraction (收縮), and rotation（扭轉） of our limbs 

in dance, learning of different levels of movement: different heights, different exaggerations

fun to tie this in with my anatomy classes and acupuncture class

teacher Wang says that i look more and more tired each class

he asks if perhaps i have overpacked my schedule? 

i love everything i am doing right now and am slowly sculpting away that which does not feel directly pertinent to my life 

teacher has old back pain that i can't wait to learn how to help 

me? i have old wrist pain and leftover trauma in body

we will discuss my trauma in acupuncture class

i am excited to see how we will work with my body, and what result will be 

i made a promise to myself, maybe a year ago now? 

there are sooo many healing modalities 

i could spend many lifetimes learning them all 

so i need to focus 

how to choose? 

i think that... the modality that heals (or reintegrates. or whatever word you plug on.... you know my meaning) 

that which helps me, i have affinity with (有緣） 

and that one i will give my life to (share my life with) 

and help many many people in return 

samadhi- mountain weekend

today, 

taiji in the rain. dancing under the eaves. feeling my light shadow silouette self through the open door while watching the rain. 

fingers on my legs that understands not just bodies but soul and heart too

eyes that see and faces that smile like month-old babies whose eyes see more clearly than any of us ever will again... until it's time to go again 

needles into my neck that barely glances my throat, and needles into my feet and hands

me sending needles into my friend and feeling the chi flow and not feeling the chi flow and "keep pulling the needle out and then putting it back in until you can feel the chi flow" 

questions from another foreigner that both amuse me, and also send me sprinting in my mind to places of self-doubt and wondering. questions like "what is chi?" such questions that a "real" taiwanese gal should never ever need to ask 

do i really have no questions and just want to watch, wonder, and absorb... or am i too proud to ask my questions. or am i too afraid 

yesterday, 

tears soaking into tatami mat, soft cotton blankets, silk dress. rain outside. memories of present gifts of now momentous pain and so much past 

so much falling away so quickly 

every moment faced with such huge life, such huge death 

my friend is leaving for a month and i will miss her 

we spend hours in a noisy mall searching for the perfect pair of traveling shoes for her 

it's not goodbye but 

i really do hate goodbyes 

morning hike with other friend up to the mouth of the old volcano on the highest mountain range in taipei county 

it fills up with water after typhoons and reflects all the sky in its grandious waters surrounded by mountains, this old volcano mouth 

no water yesterday but plenty of wind, small rain, and wild grasses 

"why do you travel so much?" a new friend asked me during anatomy class break

"well..." my Brain blanks out, and my Self responds, "i have an affinity with the wind" (in chinese, "我跟風有緣“) 

yester yesterday

wild hot springs 

adventures into beautiful places 

silent car ride looking out window and wondering at the changes in me 

now i rather enjoy car rides... more than i used to, at least 

i have changed a lot since justin and connecticut, when i would dread our morning commute and my toes would curl and my inner organs would scream the whole ride 

now carrides feel like adventure and a rare treat (a luxurious private car instead of a bus or subway filled with coughing people? sweet!) 

beach and rocks with ancient gorgeous patterns 

forever mama ocean crashing and sculpting against rock 

chinese medicine, five element theory 

i keep running through the relationships in my head

i will begin to paint again, as well as dance, read, teach, be taught, hike, and taste chi and cells through every anatomical and spirit filled pore of my very being Being

the night i went into the mountains this round 

a very yellow dinner (thanks dear peng you friend elder beloved papa figure) 

with cat on my lap purring (black ears up, tail wagging)

my friend doctor mentor big brother tofu touches my body gently

he knows my fall-off-mountain story 

they all seem to know my story here in the mountains, small family that is rather huge

they all know about this girl who climbs trees, dances, wants to learn everything, speaks both chinese and english, and looks and sounds rather odd or exotic... not sure. 

tofu touches softly for trauma, and then moves in, tui na style... 

i am learning so much about the body, my body, and through all this body stuff... feeling feeling feeling so very very much 

feel sadness for the pain i caused my family falling off mountain 

six years ago 

my body is still holding onto trauma 

ohhh let go, already, my darling! 

need to let go of this before i get old and then too brittle to let things go and just fall apart

i am young and can still move in authentic ways... 

move back towards the brilliancy of babyhood as we crawl around in the grass, balance on logs and stones, and climb trees like small monkeys when actually we are big adults 

i'm lighter than i look

i can actually fly... 

and fall...

and land gently and perfectly on my big cushy ass that my friend ager is certain can bear many children (not yet, i tell him) 

hey soul, come home 

hey body, i love you 

guess what, integrated whole? 

i can actually fly... 

and fall...

and land gently and perfectly 

yes 

welcome home, my darling 

Government

Before I went to China, I heard so many horror stories.
Within America, I heard so many horror stories about my own government.
Now outside of America, I still hear horror stories.
Go to different countries, hear different stories of that country as
well as its peoples' perspectives on other countries. Fears,
prejudices, and assumptions.
What is truth?
I feel really confused about what is "good" as far as government
goes... and how to help.
Now, back in college atmosphere, seeing... some students are aiming
for money with their college education. Others heartfully want to help
as many people as possible in the brief duration of their lifetime,
and hope that college will aid this. Where are we going? How do our
hopes, dreams, intentions later manifest? How does government mold or
change this? Aid, or deter us from living our authentic selves?

I am committed to my 100 trillion cells and solid comforting thump of
my heartbeat, feeling of blood rushing through veins.
Gandhi said be the change you wish to see.
What change do YOU wish to see?

(Me. I govern myself.)

Teacher Wu dance class

All throughout class, we pay attention to our breathing, especially our exhalations. We let out our exhales with a loud "Ha!" during warm-ups and cool-downs. At the end of each class with Teacher Wu, we bring attention to our breathing again, and pat down our whole body. We're saying thank you to our bodies for the hard work of carrying us through our lives, and thanks for all the exertion we put body through during class, and all the opening... and patting down the body to close up our pores again, and really seal the gratitude into our system... and integrate all the gifts and lessons of class. A brief moment of silence as we're down to our toes, (and I'm rooting and grounding myself with much joy), and then, BA! back to life outside of Teacher Wu's dance class... and I will carry all this with me through each inhale exhale and movement through all my walking waking being moments of conscious existence.
And then, sleep?
My dreams are blessed. 100 trillion cells at peace, at rest, and slowly slowly slowly gently making love with themselves as my muscles release, relax, and shavasana enfolds me in bliss.

我愛我的細胞 - we are 100 trillion dancing cells

We've got about 100 trillion cells in our body.
There's over 200 different types of cells.
They are all unique, like us humans are all unique… yet basically the
same composition.
The cells come together like humans come together… to make something
larger than themselves.
They live and do their thing, they reproduce, they get old, they die.
Each cell will reproduce/ split about 40-50 times…
And then?
We die.
So, I asked my anatomy teacher…
How do we make our cells split/ reproduce slower?
My teacher laughed, and said…
Well, we are in a constant state of action, and movement. We are
alive. This is just how we are. We can't just spend our whole day in
rest mode.
So, rest mode means slower cell splitting?
Yes…
Dear friends, may you rest well, sleep enough, meditate often, breathe
deeply, and practice the shavasana yoga asana daily (corpse pose---
lying supine with consciously relaxed muscles)!
May all 100 trillion of your cells be happy, relaxed, and slowly
slowly slowly reproducing!
Love from anatomy-student land… : ）

samadhi- 早上

今天早上， 我翹課。 我沒去上我的畫人體課。 我快樂的躺在床上享受給我自己空間和時間來好好的閱讀我的英語中醫書， 聽聽aaron
以前給我的音樂， 和吃自己煮的豐富早餐。 生活過得太快了。。。 讓我特別的感謝給我自己呼吸和休息的時間。 雖然我今天翹課了，
但是我感覺我做了個很好的決定。 以後有可能不上那堂課了。 時間太趕了。
This morning, instead of just inhaling a pomelo and rushing out the
door to get to class, I skipped class… and I actually cooked up a
scrumptious meal, ate it slowly, and then laid belly down on my bed to
read my Chinese Medicine book, with soft morning light pouring into my
window, the soothing pit pat of rain outside, gentle bluegrass music
from Aaron playing, and a handmade clay cup with steaming sweet red
flower tea.

samadhi

life is bliss

今天晚上是第一堂針灸科。 好有趣哦！但是， 我感覺有點兒overwhelmed。。。我在上兩個不同的人體解剖課。 兩堂課都聽不太懂，
趕不太上。 我們需要念很多書， 但我都還沒念。。。 我也要學英文， 和死背中文字。 好難。。。 我也要陪朋友： Tara, Marina,
Kider, 阿紀， 阿格， 阿福哥。。。 感覺像怎麼樣， 時間都不夠！也要陪家人。。。 也要練按摩，陪針灸豆腐老師和曾老師， 練舞蹈，
練太極， 和參加這個這個那個那個活動。。。 台北真熱鬧哦！ 我已經六年多都在野外， 來了台北才回來城市。。。 半年以前回來， 好不習慣！
但這次， 朋友比較多， 活動也比較多。 我雖然感覺忙翻了， 但也十分滿足！我好愛我的台北家人與親朋好友！