taipei- 3rd morning

what are plans
when fate has other ideas? 

today i planned to take my ma up my favorite river walk 
to my favorite little place thus far in taipei
a small swimming hole at the base of a gorge
called apo tan

this morning i wake to the endless rhythmic beating of rain 
the path will be too slippery
river probably too high to walk up 
plans cancelled for.... another year or so 

today i am thoughtful and silent 
yesterday bored, today introspective 
today is my mama's final day in taiwan 
i feel like deep open connection is still lacking 

perhaps today is the day 
that all my dreams will come true 
lying in deep sleep 
under cover of rain 

a wiggle and crack
i know this heart will open 
i know my fears will fade away 
breath of deep fresh intoxicating air 

dizzying dreams of one final big island wander 
today i will look at maps and start pulling connections 

trembling anticipation of returning to home-across-the-world 
why is taiwan/ asia home so far away from usa home? 
today i will continue looking into grad school and talking to friends and teachers 

a yearning desire to connect, and a cold holding fear to do so 
today i will make left-handed art, right hand relaxing with iodine and cephalexin
i love you so much 
that i am afraid to get close,
and then be torn apart again 

river drum, rain beat 
my right arm wound is slowly closing 
fingers numb, hands tingling 
mother earth carry me, your child i will always be 
rhythmic rocking, drumbeat home 

today i will bring songs 
to translate from english into chinese 
together with my mama

and then 
we will improvise 
taking turns playing drone, understory monotone 
that undercurrent strength that guides river through waterfall splendids on top 

and then 
i let go of plans! 
i let go 
anything can happen, will happen 
i can only provide 
the beam structural guiding possibility of support 
the rest i leave up to you 
oh Creator 
thanks for making it oh-so-incredibly 


in all it's unexpectedness, diverse colors, shadows, symmetry, dissonance, and