poem- to life, to hospital, to fear

(pain, fear, and other "negative" emotions instigate excellent fodder for poetry... that i feel taps at the most core piece of our selves: our deepest pain. for that mirrors our deepest joy, our brightest bliss, our truest beauty. in sanskrit... satchitananda. our innate incredible nature, that only our suffering/ trauma/ drama can illuminate, and open. blessings on your journey, fellow human! i wrote the below poem before reluctantly returning to hospital, second time)

i am already living as consciously as i know how 
go to the people, start with what they know, get to where's they're at, accept that, and then move from there 
same with myself 

what to do when your friend is in pain 
what to do when your child is crying 
just hold 
and listen 
offering unconditional love and support 
and only giving suggestions if they ask for it 
and then, listening more than you speak 
be wary of your tongue 
and what you think you know 
one thing for one person may be something completely different for another person 

you may think real such things as ghosts from past lives coming to haunt again in this life 
and i may think that complete bullshit 
you may think that that healer is amazing 
and i may think that her tools are weak and rusty, and she needs to go make love on top of a waterfall with herself for a few days before she can help anyone 
she needs some passion in her life 
some brightness in her face 
some tone in her voice 
some power behind her punch 

i am off 
to go court wolves and dance with the darkness 
i am going 
back to a hospital of white-jackets, grim-faces, and hearts that are tired but still trying 
dear Creator 
let me be open to the possibility 
of all possibilities 
that sometimes yes this 
and other times no that
and don't always remain strong and hard
be flexible and bend with the wind 

don't say to me "hush hush- don't cry. it's okay" 
say to me, "cry!!! howl!!! wail out your pain!!! let it go, let it go go go... and it is so beautiful"
say to me, " i see you in your pain 
i see you in your magnificence 
you are beautiful
and i love you for your tears, pain, and beauty
as you rise up pale, dirty, weak, shriveled, and sobbing
i love you too 
as you rise up strong, glowing, eyes bright, teeth gnashing, a bellowing war song on your breath 
i love you for all these moments yes 

dear wrist 
dear tongue 
dear locked up limbs and chakras
physical points and energetic centers 
whole being
surrendering, surrendered, graceful, uplifted, shattered, shaking, and 
i am living as consciously as i know how 
i make my decisions with discernment and as much collective wisdom as i can dredge up from within and around me 

this life 
i am still here 
for a yes i know why now 
touch and be touched
set fire to the dead dear landscape with passion, laughter, heart-head-and-hips wide open 
step forward with boldness and courage 
body dead, eyes flashing