samadhi- mountain weekend

taiji in the rain. dancing under the eaves. feeling my light shadow silouette self through the open door while watching the rain. 
fingers on my legs that understands not just bodies but soul and heart too
eyes that see and faces that smile like month-old babies whose eyes see more clearly than any of us ever will again... until it's time to go again 
needles into my neck that barely glances my throat, and needles into my feet and hands
me sending needles into my friend and feeling the chi flow and not feeling the chi flow and "keep pulling the needle out and then putting it back in until you can feel the chi flow" 
questions from another foreigner that both amuse me, and also send me sprinting in my mind to places of self-doubt and wondering. questions like "what is chi?" such questions that a "real" taiwanese gal should never ever need to ask 
do i really have no questions and just want to watch, wonder, and absorb... or am i too proud to ask my questions. or am i too afraid 

tears soaking into tatami mat, soft cotton blankets, silk dress. rain outside. memories of present gifts of now momentous pain and so much past 
so much falling away so quickly 
every moment faced with such huge life, such huge death 
my friend is leaving for a month and i will miss her 
we spend hours in a noisy mall searching for the perfect pair of traveling shoes for her 
it's not goodbye but 
i really do hate goodbyes 
morning hike with other friend up to the mouth of the old volcano on the highest mountain range in taipei county 
it fills up with water after typhoons and reflects all the sky in its grandious waters surrounded by mountains, this old volcano mouth 
no water yesterday but plenty of wind, small rain, and wild grasses 
"why do you travel so much?" a new friend asked me during anatomy class break
"well..." my Brain blanks out, and my Self responds, "i have an affinity with the wind" (in chinese, "我跟風有緣“) 

yester yesterday
wild hot springs 
adventures into beautiful places 
silent car ride looking out window and wondering at the changes in me 
now i rather enjoy car rides... more than i used to, at least 
i have changed a lot since justin and connecticut, when i would dread our morning commute and my toes would curl and my inner organs would scream the whole ride 
now carrides feel like adventure and a rare treat (a luxurious private car instead of a bus or subway filled with coughing people? sweet!) 
beach and rocks with ancient gorgeous patterns 
forever mama ocean crashing and sculpting against rock 
chinese medicine, five element theory 
i keep running through the relationships in my head
i will begin to paint again, as well as dance, read, teach, be taught, hike, and taste chi and cells through every anatomical and spirit filled pore of my very being Being

the night i went into the mountains this round 
a very yellow dinner (thanks dear peng you friend elder beloved papa figure) 
with cat on my lap purring (black ears up, tail wagging)
my friend doctor mentor big brother tofu touches my body gently
he knows my fall-off-mountain story 
they all seem to know my story here in the mountains, small family that is rather huge
they all know about this girl who climbs trees, dances, wants to learn everything, speaks both chinese and english, and looks and sounds rather odd or exotic... not sure. 
tofu touches softly for trauma, and then moves in, tui na style... 
i am learning so much about the body, my body, and through all this body stuff... feeling feeling feeling so very very much 
feel sadness for the pain i caused my family falling off mountain 
six years ago 
my body is still holding onto trauma 
ohhh let go, already, my darling! 
need to let go of this before i get old and then too brittle to let things go and just fall apart
i am young and can still move in authentic ways... 
move back towards the brilliancy of babyhood as we crawl around in the grass, balance on logs and stones, and climb trees like small monkeys when actually we are big adults 
i'm lighter than i look
i can actually fly... 
and fall...
and land gently and perfectly on my big cushy ass that my friend ager is certain can bear many children (not yet, i tell him) 

hey soul, come home 
hey body, i love you 
guess what, integrated whole? 
i can actually fly... 
and fall...
and land gently and perfectly 
welcome home, my darling