wonder? want?

My dance teacher won't come up the mountain with me for body therapy. He has an old hurt shoulder. My Chinese medicine teacher isn't certified, so my dance teacher is afraid. But, he says that once I finish learning these things, he will trust me to help him with his shoulder. Sometimes, you need to meet people first to trust them? But can't I say "If you would trust me... won't you trust my teacher?" But, no.

 

I carry my book of meridians with me everywhere. My Chinese is improving. The weight of the book in my bag gives me a strong back. This morning, I stuck three large body-meridian-human pictures onto my wall, across from my bed, in my small room. It's the first thing I see when I wake up, besides the loving sweet light of yet another day filtering in through the windows. I love waking up in the mornings.

 

So much to learn. So much to help. So many ways to help.

 

Me first, before anyone else.

Can help myself and simultaneously help others.

Sometimes feel completely overwhelmed by all I want to learn... feel like I cannot learn fast enough.

My dance teacher has hurt shoulder.

My other dance teacher has hurt knees.

My own knees hurt.

I still have trauma from the mountain, that we will discuss with the whole class, next class.

I want to climb endless mountains.

I want to play outside all day, and dance until I can dance no more.

I want to make music and make love until sun comes up and keep on doing it until my eyes are bloodshot and weary, and I die from exhaustion.

I want to sleep forever and just rest so fully in some hot spring right next to the coldest stream on earth in the most remote and gorgeous mountains unknown by human eyes.

My friend has difficulty falling asleep and wakes up feeling like something is not quite right in her life... something not quite fulfilled.

I can talk with her, but how to push her over the edge, how to help her get going. Because that's what we both agree she needs... to get going with what is unfulfilling, and move it forward in her life.

Another friend just got booted off his under-the-table job, and now has no money to pay for debts.

I wonder if I too should go to grad school and accumulate debt and learn a lot and then enter the world with yet another degree and even less money than I have now.

I wonder

I want

 

Today, we learned about manipulation and locomotion in dance class.

I am beginning to feel restless and desire to locomote again,

while at the same time feeling so deeply grateful to be here surrounded by all these amazing friends, teachers, and family family family of all colors and varieties, and am contemplating challenging myself by staying here for a year, like I stayed in Connecticut for a year.

 

I wonder

 

I want?

oh, Love

For some reason, there's all this love that comes with blood relations. And with that love, there comes so much pain and suffering, too. And honesty, in all its graceful and awkward bright beauty and frightening hideousness. 

What if I feel more connection with my non-blood family than with my blood family? What if there are few points of clear connection with those that perhaps love me most... but just can't understand me? And then, I find other family that I can connect with on so many more levels than just love and blood... but I keep on leaving each new family I create for myself? 

Dearest Yin and Yang, guess I just need to (keep on with the keep on) find that elusive (yet so blatantly obvious) point of BALANCE. 

什麼都要平和與和平。 

深呼吸， 吧。。。 

and then? 

感恩

感恩

全部的宇宙

美麗的計劃

送我今日

這個身體

這個空氣

這些老師， 家人， 朋友們

心中充滿了感恩， 歡喜， 大愛

friday

For the first time since returning to Taiwan, I spent the whole day at home yesterday

cooked fabulous colorful healthful barely-cooked simply delicious meals 

savored them slowly 

painted lewd completely nude pictures in blatant black and white 

walked, danced, skipped, crawled, ran around with skin in direct contact with air 

read about breath, body, and meridian matters on a nice brown and soft bed of squishy cotton and even squishier belly

dreamed about lands, plants, and people more distant--- and more near--- than i could ever imagine 

reveled all day in my small abode in the middle of this huge taipei city 

and then packed my bags and headed back up into the mountains for another mountain weekend 

miracles

maciej and i sat under the slide in the park, eating fruit, with rain pouring down around us above the slide, and thunder and lightning... and huge smiles on our faces 

we could talk forever 

next time, we dance 

biking back to school, i coughed up a bright yellow solid loogy into my hand 

it's been two weeks 

i can't believe i am still coughing with so much wind in my lungs and loogies galore 

this morning i woke up with a solid dream

my elder bill and i talking, calm and comfortable

he asks me when i will return to see him and another elder, as i am leaving 

i say, maybe between 1-4 years? 

he says, we're dying you know

come back 

i thought about that dream my whole ride down the mountain 

been thinking about death lots lately 

i am grateful for death and life

next time the moon is full again, regardless of weather, i will climb up some high area and howl at the moon 

and laugh with wild abandon at how nicely the cold wind pulls at all the 700 trillion cells dancing in my body

dance and anatomy

dance classes and anatomy classes seem to touch the same things 

but different modes of exploration and learning 

yesterday, 6 hours of movement exploration 

mostly on diverse ways of movement transportation

(we can roll, walk, hop, and more... different levels of movement too...) 

and extension（伸縮）, contraction (收縮), and rotation（扭轉） of our limbs 

in dance, learning of different levels of movement: different heights, different exaggerations

fun to tie this in with my anatomy classes and acupuncture class

teacher Wang says that i look more and more tired each class

he asks if perhaps i have overpacked my schedule? 

i love everything i am doing right now and am slowly sculpting away that which does not feel directly pertinent to my life 

teacher has old back pain that i can't wait to learn how to help 

me? i have old wrist pain and leftover trauma in body

we will discuss my trauma in acupuncture class

i am excited to see how we will work with my body, and what result will be 

i made a promise to myself, maybe a year ago now? 

there are sooo many healing modalities 

i could spend many lifetimes learning them all 

so i need to focus 

how to choose? 

i think that... the modality that heals (or reintegrates. or whatever word you plug on.... you know my meaning) 

that which helps me, i have affinity with (有緣） 

and that one i will give my life to (share my life with) 

and help many many people in return 

samadhi- mountain weekend

today, 

taiji in the rain. dancing under the eaves. feeling my light shadow silouette self through the open door while watching the rain. 

fingers on my legs that understands not just bodies but soul and heart too

eyes that see and faces that smile like month-old babies whose eyes see more clearly than any of us ever will again... until it's time to go again 

needles into my neck that barely glances my throat, and needles into my feet and hands

me sending needles into my friend and feeling the chi flow and not feeling the chi flow and "keep pulling the needle out and then putting it back in until you can feel the chi flow" 

questions from another foreigner that both amuse me, and also send me sprinting in my mind to places of self-doubt and wondering. questions like "what is chi?" such questions that a "real" taiwanese gal should never ever need to ask 

do i really have no questions and just want to watch, wonder, and absorb... or am i too proud to ask my questions. or am i too afraid 

yesterday, 

tears soaking into tatami mat, soft cotton blankets, silk dress. rain outside. memories of present gifts of now momentous pain and so much past 

so much falling away so quickly 

every moment faced with such huge life, such huge death 

my friend is leaving for a month and i will miss her 

we spend hours in a noisy mall searching for the perfect pair of traveling shoes for her 

it's not goodbye but 

i really do hate goodbyes 

morning hike with other friend up to the mouth of the old volcano on the highest mountain range in taipei county 

it fills up with water after typhoons and reflects all the sky in its grandious waters surrounded by mountains, this old volcano mouth 

no water yesterday but plenty of wind, small rain, and wild grasses 

"why do you travel so much?" a new friend asked me during anatomy class break

"well..." my Brain blanks out, and my Self responds, "i have an affinity with the wind" (in chinese, "我跟風有緣“) 

yester yesterday

wild hot springs 

adventures into beautiful places 

silent car ride looking out window and wondering at the changes in me 

now i rather enjoy car rides... more than i used to, at least 

i have changed a lot since justin and connecticut, when i would dread our morning commute and my toes would curl and my inner organs would scream the whole ride 

now carrides feel like adventure and a rare treat (a luxurious private car instead of a bus or subway filled with coughing people? sweet!) 

beach and rocks with ancient gorgeous patterns 

forever mama ocean crashing and sculpting against rock 

chinese medicine, five element theory 

i keep running through the relationships in my head

i will begin to paint again, as well as dance, read, teach, be taught, hike, and taste chi and cells through every anatomical and spirit filled pore of my very being Being

the night i went into the mountains this round 

a very yellow dinner (thanks dear peng you friend elder beloved papa figure) 

with cat on my lap purring (black ears up, tail wagging)

my friend doctor mentor big brother tofu touches my body gently

he knows my fall-off-mountain story 

they all seem to know my story here in the mountains, small family that is rather huge

they all know about this girl who climbs trees, dances, wants to learn everything, speaks both chinese and english, and looks and sounds rather odd or exotic... not sure. 

tofu touches softly for trauma, and then moves in, tui na style... 

i am learning so much about the body, my body, and through all this body stuff... feeling feeling feeling so very very much 

feel sadness for the pain i caused my family falling off mountain 

six years ago 

my body is still holding onto trauma 

ohhh let go, already, my darling! 

need to let go of this before i get old and then too brittle to let things go and just fall apart

i am young and can still move in authentic ways... 

move back towards the brilliancy of babyhood as we crawl around in the grass, balance on logs and stones, and climb trees like small monkeys when actually we are big adults 

i'm lighter than i look

i can actually fly... 

and fall...

and land gently and perfectly on my big cushy ass that my friend ager is certain can bear many children (not yet, i tell him) 

hey soul, come home 

hey body, i love you 

guess what, integrated whole? 

i can actually fly... 

and fall...

and land gently and perfectly 

yes 

welcome home, my darling 

Government

Before I went to China, I heard so many horror stories.
Within America, I heard so many horror stories about my own government.
Now outside of America, I still hear horror stories.
Go to different countries, hear different stories of that country as
well as its peoples' perspectives on other countries. Fears,
prejudices, and assumptions.
What is truth?
I feel really confused about what is "good" as far as government
goes... and how to help.
Now, back in college atmosphere, seeing... some students are aiming
for money with their college education. Others heartfully want to help
as many people as possible in the brief duration of their lifetime,
and hope that college will aid this. Where are we going? How do our
hopes, dreams, intentions later manifest? How does government mold or
change this? Aid, or deter us from living our authentic selves?

I am committed to my 100 trillion cells and solid comforting thump of
my heartbeat, feeling of blood rushing through veins.
Gandhi said be the change you wish to see.
What change do YOU wish to see?

(Me. I govern myself.)