miracles

maciej and i sat under the slide in the park, eating fruit, with rain pouring down around us above the slide, and thunder and lightning... and huge smiles on our faces 

we could talk forever 

next time, we dance 

biking back to school, i coughed up a bright yellow solid loogy into my hand 

it's been two weeks 

i can't believe i am still coughing with so much wind in my lungs and loogies galore 

this morning i woke up with a solid dream

my elder bill and i talking, calm and comfortable

he asks me when i will return to see him and another elder, as i am leaving 

i say, maybe between 1-4 years? 

he says, we're dying you know

come back 

i thought about that dream my whole ride down the mountain 

been thinking about death lots lately 

i am grateful for death and life

next time the moon is full again, regardless of weather, i will climb up some high area and howl at the moon 

and laugh with wild abandon at how nicely the cold wind pulls at all the 700 trillion cells dancing in my body

dance and anatomy

dance classes and anatomy classes seem to touch the same things 

but different modes of exploration and learning 

yesterday, 6 hours of movement exploration 

mostly on diverse ways of movement transportation

(we can roll, walk, hop, and more... different levels of movement too...) 

and extension（伸縮）, contraction (收縮), and rotation（扭轉） of our limbs 

in dance, learning of different levels of movement: different heights, different exaggerations

fun to tie this in with my anatomy classes and acupuncture class

teacher Wang says that i look more and more tired each class

he asks if perhaps i have overpacked my schedule? 

i love everything i am doing right now and am slowly sculpting away that which does not feel directly pertinent to my life 

teacher has old back pain that i can't wait to learn how to help 

me? i have old wrist pain and leftover trauma in body

we will discuss my trauma in acupuncture class

i am excited to see how we will work with my body, and what result will be 

i made a promise to myself, maybe a year ago now? 

there are sooo many healing modalities 

i could spend many lifetimes learning them all 

so i need to focus 

how to choose? 

i think that... the modality that heals (or reintegrates. or whatever word you plug on.... you know my meaning) 

that which helps me, i have affinity with (有緣） 

and that one i will give my life to (share my life with) 

and help many many people in return 

samadhi- mountain weekend

today, 

taiji in the rain. dancing under the eaves. feeling my light shadow silouette self through the open door while watching the rain. 

fingers on my legs that understands not just bodies but soul and heart too

eyes that see and faces that smile like month-old babies whose eyes see more clearly than any of us ever will again... until it's time to go again 

needles into my neck that barely glances my throat, and needles into my feet and hands

me sending needles into my friend and feeling the chi flow and not feeling the chi flow and "keep pulling the needle out and then putting it back in until you can feel the chi flow" 

questions from another foreigner that both amuse me, and also send me sprinting in my mind to places of self-doubt and wondering. questions like "what is chi?" such questions that a "real" taiwanese gal should never ever need to ask 

do i really have no questions and just want to watch, wonder, and absorb... or am i too proud to ask my questions. or am i too afraid 

yesterday, 

tears soaking into tatami mat, soft cotton blankets, silk dress. rain outside. memories of present gifts of now momentous pain and so much past 

so much falling away so quickly 

every moment faced with such huge life, such huge death 

my friend is leaving for a month and i will miss her 

we spend hours in a noisy mall searching for the perfect pair of traveling shoes for her 

it's not goodbye but 

i really do hate goodbyes 

morning hike with other friend up to the mouth of the old volcano on the highest mountain range in taipei county 

it fills up with water after typhoons and reflects all the sky in its grandious waters surrounded by mountains, this old volcano mouth 

no water yesterday but plenty of wind, small rain, and wild grasses 

"why do you travel so much?" a new friend asked me during anatomy class break

"well..." my Brain blanks out, and my Self responds, "i have an affinity with the wind" (in chinese, "我跟風有緣“) 

yester yesterday

wild hot springs 

adventures into beautiful places 

silent car ride looking out window and wondering at the changes in me 

now i rather enjoy car rides... more than i used to, at least 

i have changed a lot since justin and connecticut, when i would dread our morning commute and my toes would curl and my inner organs would scream the whole ride 

now carrides feel like adventure and a rare treat (a luxurious private car instead of a bus or subway filled with coughing people? sweet!) 

beach and rocks with ancient gorgeous patterns 

forever mama ocean crashing and sculpting against rock 

chinese medicine, five element theory 

i keep running through the relationships in my head

i will begin to paint again, as well as dance, read, teach, be taught, hike, and taste chi and cells through every anatomical and spirit filled pore of my very being Being

the night i went into the mountains this round 

a very yellow dinner (thanks dear peng you friend elder beloved papa figure) 

with cat on my lap purring (black ears up, tail wagging)

my friend doctor mentor big brother tofu touches my body gently

he knows my fall-off-mountain story 

they all seem to know my story here in the mountains, small family that is rather huge

they all know about this girl who climbs trees, dances, wants to learn everything, speaks both chinese and english, and looks and sounds rather odd or exotic... not sure. 

tofu touches softly for trauma, and then moves in, tui na style... 

i am learning so much about the body, my body, and through all this body stuff... feeling feeling feeling so very very much 

feel sadness for the pain i caused my family falling off mountain 

six years ago 

my body is still holding onto trauma 

ohhh let go, already, my darling! 

need to let go of this before i get old and then too brittle to let things go and just fall apart

i am young and can still move in authentic ways... 

move back towards the brilliancy of babyhood as we crawl around in the grass, balance on logs and stones, and climb trees like small monkeys when actually we are big adults 

i'm lighter than i look

i can actually fly... 

and fall...

and land gently and perfectly on my big cushy ass that my friend ager is certain can bear many children (not yet, i tell him) 

hey soul, come home 

hey body, i love you 

guess what, integrated whole? 

i can actually fly... 

and fall...

and land gently and perfectly 

yes 

welcome home, my darling 

Government

Before I went to China, I heard so many horror stories.
Within America, I heard so many horror stories about my own government.
Now outside of America, I still hear horror stories.
Go to different countries, hear different stories of that country as
well as its peoples' perspectives on other countries. Fears,
prejudices, and assumptions.
What is truth?
I feel really confused about what is "good" as far as government
goes... and how to help.
Now, back in college atmosphere, seeing... some students are aiming
for money with their college education. Others heartfully want to help
as many people as possible in the brief duration of their lifetime,
and hope that college will aid this. Where are we going? How do our
hopes, dreams, intentions later manifest? How does government mold or
change this? Aid, or deter us from living our authentic selves?

I am committed to my 100 trillion cells and solid comforting thump of
my heartbeat, feeling of blood rushing through veins.
Gandhi said be the change you wish to see.
What change do YOU wish to see?

(Me. I govern myself.)

Teacher Wu dance class

All throughout class, we pay attention to our breathing, especially our exhalations. We let out our exhales with a loud "Ha!" during warm-ups and cool-downs. At the end of each class with Teacher Wu, we bring attention to our breathing again, and pat down our whole body. We're saying thank you to our bodies for the hard work of carrying us through our lives, and thanks for all the exertion we put body through during class, and all the opening... and patting down the body to close up our pores again, and really seal the gratitude into our system... and integrate all the gifts and lessons of class. A brief moment of silence as we're down to our toes, (and I'm rooting and grounding myself with much joy), and then, BA! back to life outside of Teacher Wu's dance class... and I will carry all this with me through each inhale exhale and movement through all my walking waking being moments of conscious existence.
And then, sleep?
My dreams are blessed. 100 trillion cells at peace, at rest, and slowly slowly slowly gently making love with themselves as my muscles release, relax, and shavasana enfolds me in bliss.

我愛我的細胞 - we are 100 trillion dancing cells

We've got about 100 trillion cells in our body.
There's over 200 different types of cells.
They are all unique, like us humans are all unique… yet basically the
same composition.
The cells come together like humans come together… to make something
larger than themselves.
They live and do their thing, they reproduce, they get old, they die.
Each cell will reproduce/ split about 40-50 times…
And then?
We die.
So, I asked my anatomy teacher…
How do we make our cells split/ reproduce slower?
My teacher laughed, and said…
Well, we are in a constant state of action, and movement. We are
alive. This is just how we are. We can't just spend our whole day in
rest mode.
So, rest mode means slower cell splitting?
Yes…
Dear friends, may you rest well, sleep enough, meditate often, breathe
deeply, and practice the shavasana yoga asana daily (corpse pose---
lying supine with consciously relaxed muscles)!
May all 100 trillion of your cells be happy, relaxed, and slowly
slowly slowly reproducing!
Love from anatomy-student land… : ）

samadhi- 早上

今天早上， 我翹課。 我沒去上我的畫人體課。 我快樂的躺在床上享受給我自己空間和時間來好好的閱讀我的英語中醫書， 聽聽aaron
以前給我的音樂， 和吃自己煮的豐富早餐。 生活過得太快了。。。 讓我特別的感謝給我自己呼吸和休息的時間。 雖然我今天翹課了，
但是我感覺我做了個很好的決定。 以後有可能不上那堂課了。 時間太趕了。
This morning, instead of just inhaling a pomelo and rushing out the
door to get to class, I skipped class… and I actually cooked up a
scrumptious meal, ate it slowly, and then laid belly down on my bed to
read my Chinese Medicine book, with soft morning light pouring into my
window, the soothing pit pat of rain outside, gentle bluegrass music
from Aaron playing, and a handmade clay cup with steaming sweet red
flower tea.

samadhi

life is bliss

今天晚上是第一堂針灸科。 好有趣哦！但是， 我感覺有點兒overwhelmed。。。我在上兩個不同的人體解剖課。 兩堂課都聽不太懂，
趕不太上。 我們需要念很多書， 但我都還沒念。。。 我也要學英文， 和死背中文字。 好難。。。 我也要陪朋友： Tara, Marina,
Kider, 阿紀， 阿格， 阿福哥。。。 感覺像怎麼樣， 時間都不夠！也要陪家人。。。 也要練按摩，陪針灸豆腐老師和曾老師， 練舞蹈，
練太極， 和參加這個這個那個那個活動。。。 台北真熱鬧哦！ 我已經六年多都在野外， 來了台北才回來城市。。。 半年以前回來， 好不習慣！
但這次， 朋友比較多， 活動也比較多。 我雖然感覺忙翻了， 但也十分滿足！我好愛我的台北家人與親朋好友！