just (in cali) back

i'm not sure where to begin
but my mind has been elsewhere
well no
sometimes i return to this present moment ous breath with a huge woosh
oomph
and land with a thump presently here
mind comes fluttering back in
calling into the winds my name, the seven directions
here here here here here here here
me me me me me me me
got hit on at the beach today
for the first time in a long time
i pretended i didn't know any english
he gave me a big smile and sweaty handshake and asked me my name
i gave as confused a look as i could
tried not to laugh
and said in shaky english
"no
eeng
wich"
and walked away
i could see his awed expression in my periphery as i walked away
he was awed at losing probably the zillionth hit-on-woman experience in his beach life
and i?
all i wanted was some quiet time with just me and mama pacifica
i stood on the road above the ocean
no time to get down to ocean and then come back and catch bus again in time before dark
also couldnt find a place to drop my bag
and so i watched mama ocean from above
and smelled the sea smells and felt the sea breeze
and promised to return sometime next week to actually take a dip and offer some gifts into her frothiness
realizing that pretty soon i will be on the other side of the world
looking at the same ocean
and missing the land on the other side again
this landscape
this covered landscape of concrete and human manufactured naturalness
teeming with avocados, guavas, pomengranates, and other sweet memories
why don't you get a real job
asks my sister
get a normal life
long held unspoken whipstraps getting gently untied and ripped open
inner doubts and fears getting exposing and painfully massaged
yup just rub me there yes right there where it's red already? yes right there
just rub me raw some more
and then pour in the salt water yes
oooh yes
halfway up the mountain
back up into these mountains i grew up in
looking at old plant friends with new eyes
my eyes now with more latin wedged into the noggin behind the eyes
with more latin, family name this and useful that
but still these plants are still the still same every changing still yes friendly same
you landscape have changed
more houses, cars, people
old fields and trees knocked down and replaced by human nature creations
like building legos and with one swift hand swipe down comes all the trees easy
same with building these houses that look all the same
and roads paved with concrete
instead of trails paved by years and years of barefeet running to and fro and fro and to
like in the gila
small trails leading everywhere
small trail from my camp to eric and amy's homestead farm
small trail from my camp to tom's cabin
small trail up the hill to visit shelley and scott and chickens
small trail well hidden yet well loved and well worn to visit wind building a new hooch
strong hands worn by time and loving molding of earth-dug clay and coal-burned spoons, cups, bowls
weathered hands aged and oiled by years of rubbing sticks together for fire
gently caressing small and large plant friends
breaking off fruits and twigs for foods and medicines
while saying thank you thank you thank you
and i love you so much
hands that know willow weavings and hide tannings
feet that know hard thorns, soft water, hot rocks, cold winds
crinkles around the eyes that laugh with stories
a voice resonant from hearing itself echoing in the wind, trees, stones, and water
ears sharp from listening to the fox family romping about in the evening time
sharp ears from tracking the coyotes at night
nimble ears listening to my own breath and consciously slowing it down to drift with my heartbeat
breath that rises and falls with the ups and downs of my feet as i softly pad up and down the trail
to the water, to the stones, back to the fire, back to my shelter
no telephone or computer for a couple weeks
very real
very present
so very very present
that when i touched the phone and computer again i could feel the electric surge
the electric wave tingling my hair and surging thru my skin
and here a decision to be made
where to continue walking
how to go forward
from here
i know this now
and that also
and also pretty well understand the true nature of
infinite possibility
well,
it's infinite
and it's all a matter of choice
yes?
yup
well, yeehah then let's buckle up
i am in transition
transition
woo!
transition
like instead of living old way
taking classes on it
reminders of how things used to be from someone transitioning back out into civilization
tell me about these plants you've known then, and know
my dad understands that
when out in the wilderness for a while you begin to glow
we glow with the light reflected from the reality of mama earth, her very yes self
and then come back to civilization and if you don't meditate--- or do something for self maintenance---
then that glow begins to fade
and fade
until eventually all that's left is just a corpse
a walking corpse
don't go there
not me not now
too much potential
i know the light
let's walk it all together yes?
such a beautiful walk in the light
much warmer too
i can see in my mind's eye bright blue eyes that reflect the morning sky
blue eyes shining from a sun-browned face
blue eyes glowing with clouds and sunbeams and shooting stars
wishes that come true over and over and over again
never too many wishes coming true
happy birthday moment by moment for me and you
a rolling river that runs thru the desert
hot springs on the side with warm exfoliating sands
i've been dreaming of this landscape for a year now
welcome back yes welcome back
surreal
walking backwards tock tick
moving so quickly that i can almost see my breath being left behind
contact improv my last night in massachusetts, with many old friends
i have been here so many times before
there are so many memories wrapped up in this place
walking into the kitchen, into a huddle of loving arms and gentle eyes
and heart melts into eye tears that pour
and shoulders that support do then support
and ears that listen do listen and mouth then reflects so lovingly and perfectly that i then look startled into eyes so bright
and i am reflected in them oh mirror
and we are all mirrors and
this is how it really is
this is how it really ought to be
for you to see me, really
and i can see you too
this is it
to support and hold and witness
no judgement
i can see your red holey holy spots
and i will give you sweet medicine to put on your wounds
and sing you lullabies to rest
and then when you are well and i am well
we will all come together to celebrate
sitting around a campfire watching the landscape change from earth-toned golden hues into the deepest darkest shades of black
sky going from the brightest of blues into also the darkest of blacks spotted with the brightest jewels i've ever seen
(besides your eyes of course)
singing songs old and new and
improvising words and rhythms fitting and unfitting
heartful laughter resonant and echoing, mixing and merging most perfectly (dance yes) with sacred
silence

i move thru this space
air contracting and expanding with me
every brush of wind so gently a reminder of presence
every contraction expansion of my chest and belly with each
sacred
breath
a reminder of being, gifting, receiving
grateful surrender like leaves falling unto a drunken land
ahhhh
ho

final month in New England- photos

so much love and gratitude to so many people and places... 

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2755079&id=2514403&l=739c2bec05

this is october

hopping on a train tomorrow...
monday in massachusetts... choo choo...
tuesday in chicago...
wednesday rolling across the country...
thursday in gila wilderness of new mexico for the new moon...
two weeks later, hopping on a train again from new mexico back to california for the full moon...
no computer again until the next full moon, end of october
lovelovelove! :)

rainy day yum yum

chai, chocolate, and poetry on a rainy morning
what better than this, and sharing it all with a new old friend?
(sunshine on a warm rock, methinks)...
but i can feel the warm rock and sunshine in my heart most strongly
on days and moments like these
yes
life is beautiful
now

drip drop

so many single one one one drops coming down all together
creating a massive symphony of morning wake wake wake music
wake wake wake heart pulsations and head rememberings of times long ago
yet not so long ago because the one one wake wake drip drops
are reawakening these old lived times into new now
drip drop
sitting wedged into the corner of my ucla co-op room windows
warm in cotton and wool on the fifth floor of a seven floor building
cup phone and prayer flags down to second floor of a one heart love friend
two pillows laid side by side in the corner of two big windows
watching a city that never sleeps
sleeping and dreaming then, of mountains and adventures many
mountain wilderness deep in our souls to drift together on currents mysterious
drip drop
morning wake up by two small boys crusted with dirt and joy
time to play, rousing from more dreams under reeds, grasses, and deer hides
to pit pat on a new ceiling
sharing glowing eyes and laughter by firelight and dinner in coal
burned bowls with hands crusted with dirt, wood, and sweet air
drip drop
limbs entangled from a sleep dream night dance
hair and eyes sleepy yet wakeful and grateful for a new day
good morning my love
warm inside a well built shelter
so close to the rain, and yet so warm and dry
grateful for skills old and new
thankful for glowing eyes of brotherhood and sisterhood, friends old and new
magic rising and flowing around and thru us
we are but channels
our hands balancing and trembling as our eyes connect in wild wonder
we are more than just this
drip
drop
teens and adults under a tarp
sky is flowing rain down
and we are laughing under the tarp
drip drop
heading off into the wilderness for my first real solo
rain coming down harder with each step
two small junipers call me
yes! come!
and i hearken to their call
a rainbow appears
drip
drop
wishing i was anywhere but here
as fire steams each sizzling downward drop
and concerned eyes watch me
drip
drop
kneeling on a tatami mat
candles to my left, mullein to my right
hot tea boiling behind me, red leaves and rain in front of me
my drip drop body resonates with all these
drips and drops of days long past but still walking with me in the
core of my being
wrinkles are rising from my depths to my skin's surface
my hair is longer than it's ever been
i am leaving here again in two days
all this moves so
(drip
drop)
quickly
all the leaves are falling are falling
hordes of geese honking westward westward everyday
hugs love and smiles by day, tears and sadness by night
and a constant looking upward and downward for reminders of flight and grounding
i am here mama earth, papa sky
yes i am here
my heart is so full of every possible drip drop sky could ever rain
down to earth

circle open yet unbroken

community coming together in a circle 

around a brown dead rose 

breathing and moving as one

we send golden light streaming into the rose

it, billowing like a jellyfish cloud of petals all aflutter

blushes pink again 

dreaming 

of dead flowers reviving

grandmothers' voices singing

and women's faces morphing from one into another

decaying and recaying

thorns plucked out of old sores 

standing in circle centers with stone in hand 

loudly proclaiming with silent strength

i am here 

i am home

i have come

i am done

circle streaming energy into broken limbs to revive and energize 

broken limbs billowing like petal clouds of jellyfish 

rose hearts aglow and ever open shining 

there are infinite roads and possibilities 

and oh what a lovely life this is and is not

what a life 

your brother is my sister is my brother is my dream is my 

self

when i walk i step lightly 

invisible artemesia rising up rising every up 

from the clay dust of dirt road

invisible branches and stems rising every rising

what is broken is never really broken 

what is dead is only composting back into life 

we are all just energy molecules bouncing around and

reactions exploding imploding interploding

let us interplode then 

like a bouquet of unbundled revived roses

let us intersect then

like water drip drop lines and circles reconnecting in 

vast limitless oceans of being

let us be then 

like infinite stars in an infinite galaxy

borne of infinite galaxies even more 

and composed of 

everything and nothing which is

we

(i can FEEL the super novas within me. i can FEEL the big bang that made we)

(hu d'ye mung, hu d'ye mung... oh what a butterfly dream dream dream...) 

to old new friends and new old friends

           thank         you
for
                 SEEING
            we

counting stars

for those who are counting,
i am also
i've been waiting and watching
and figuring and wondering
how one day fits into another and into another
so the weeks fly by and months fade into years into jeans into sheets into fires into ashes
for those who are counting
who's counting the stars?

we stood and watched sky turning from dusk into dawn
we sat and watched flames charring coals down into dust
we walked and walked over mountains and rivers
and now
we are
here

who's counting the stars?
seeing falling stars one by one
universe churning (tiny mighty we)
"there's the milky way"
"yes, and we are on the very edge of it"
"and there's more?"
"there's more"

he saw his first shooting star with us that night
and the years fly by and fade away
and he will still dream of this when old and toothless
these memories will swim with him as he floats through life

she walked with a limp on heels hurt borne of anger
a small pinky on her right hand hurt from anger
blind black rage borne of hidden old pains hiding in her gut
wrenching and twisting her every full moon as she bleeds and screams
into waiting darkness

who's counting the stars?
children of pain and loss, children of love and joy
i am walking and watching of you
you are walking and watching of i
we twine and intertwine
fingers weaving unbreakable fields of hearts
hearts blooming and blossoming on fresh winds and soarings

until it's harvest time
back to the earth
back to the mother
fade this away
so it can regrow another

back to the earth
back to the mother
fade this away
so i may regrow another
compost time
pithy pitchy pine of deep forest
giant sequoia hug and hold me
my heart is sinking into this mother
it is midnight here and noon over there
it is midnight here and dawn over there there
it is dawn over there there and dusk over there there there
who am i to say
who am i
who am i to say
where am i
i am here
turning with the here here there there
rolling with the it yes all mighty
sitting standing walking
BEING
with all yes
counting the stars
yes counting the stars!
i am counting the stars
in your eyes
in the dirt
in the leaves
in my heart