i feel helpless and at a loss right now 1.5 months later, and cut on my wrist is still an open wound
infected and painful
i still have lack of sensation and numbness in my third and fourth finger and palm
i am still bathing with just one hand, cooking with my left hand, chopping veggies softly
drawing softly, playing piano softly...
all these little things that used to be so fluid and easy
are still difficult
i just want my life back to normal
with no high standards of becoming superwoman after this experience now, no
i just want to be normal
and able to shower with both hands
do my yoga practice with strength and ease of both hands supporting
and swing my backpack onto my back without worry of hurting my right hand
i don't know where to turn
the infection slowed down in some areas, stopped in other areas
with antibiotics and daily cleansing
no more antibiotics, still daily cleansing
but infection is slowly spreading, once more
what is causing this? what's happening?
i don't trust my original surgeon
he talks too fast, doesn't look me in the eye, and provides insufficient answers to his questions
every once in a while, i catch his humanity through his fast talking rushedness, stress, and wild eyes
he is scared and tired
all he really needs is a couple months of solid rest
i doubt he's really happy with his life, passionate about his work
he has botched up my arm
i feel anger
i tried another doctor, skin clinic, when rope was still sticking out of my arm
other doc told me to return to my original doc
he is scared of liability issues; would not even give me a diagnosis of my situation, or touch my wrist
my chigong teacher has nothing to say to me, besides
"stop aggravating your wrist! just let it rest"
well it has been resting now. after infection, i haven't even been moving it much
i am giving it nothing but rest, and as much love and good vibes as i can summon up through the veil of my fear, worry, and impatience
i want to get on with my life
rose elixir, chocolate, and company of good friends and wilderness make me feel better in my heart
but the infection remains
the cut remains open, fingers unfeeling, palm of my hand hot and uncomfortable
what to do?
feels like nobody can really help me right now
and i don't know how to help myself either
acupuncture teacher and friend stabbed me violently into three points along the arm
sending shooting sensation down into my palm
for a few seconds
"keep massaging there" he says
but the effect is similar as antibiotics
it works briefly
but the root of the problem remains
and the cut remains open, infection marching forward still, after brief respite
tireless bacteria dancing around and around my wrist
i feel scared right now
and so tired of this
i don't know what to do
