after sun went to sleep
i watched the moon
and realized
that when she is full again
i will be on the other side of this earth
still saying good night sun and hello moon
and wondering still and again
what am i doing
here
?
11.09.2010
woosh
pulled north south east west in equal portions
for firm balance of center yes
the stillness of this momentous presence is so
stillingly alive with
emptyful
for firm balance of center yes
the stillness of this momentous presence is so
stillingly alive with
emptyful
poem for a sunrise we
(from a Mojave sunrise)
i see you everywhere---
you are in the movement of Wind
as she rises from Valley
up thru Canyon
down into another Canyon
you are the cold kiss of morning dew
wet on my sleeping bag
a reminder of last night's thunderstorm
over the mountains
you are all the birds shaking and waking
you are their song as they
greet Sun's pink glow
rising over tanned and blushing cliffs
you are the transition from night to day
with owls hooting to an end
and children's laughter and morning yawns
you are the birth of a baby goat arising
coming steaming into the reality of day
blinking into being
sticky with Creator's juices
you are the tingle in my fingers
when i lay them over my food
and give thanks for their
nourishment and abundance
you are the joy and pain that is one
in my Heart
you are the light that shines
from the farthest Star
to warm my cold nights
you are the very pen and my very fingers
you are so very momentous i and we
that
welcome to this Moment
as we breathe and heartbeat,
intertwined into
we are
that which is unspeakable
but so very touchable
here
now let's kiss
i see you everywhere---
you are in the movement of Wind
as she rises from Valley
up thru Canyon
down into another Canyon
you are the cold kiss of morning dew
wet on my sleeping bag
a reminder of last night's thunderstorm
over the mountains
you are all the birds shaking and waking
you are their song as they
greet Sun's pink glow
rising over tanned and blushing cliffs
you are the transition from night to day
with owls hooting to an end
and children's laughter and morning yawns
you are the birth of a baby goat arising
coming steaming into the reality of day
blinking into being
sticky with Creator's juices
you are the tingle in my fingers
when i lay them over my food
and give thanks for their
nourishment and abundance
you are the joy and pain that is one
in my Heart
you are the light that shines
from the farthest Star
to warm my cold nights
you are the very pen and my very fingers
you are so very momentous i and we
that
welcome to this Moment
as we breathe and heartbeat,
intertwined into
we are
that which is unspeakable
but so very touchable
here
now let's kiss
11.08.2010
joshua tree and mojave national preserve
(this stream-of-consciousness written with so much love and gratitude to aaron for sharing my jtree adventure, and adrian/sierra for sharing my mojave adventure)
we see the most incredible sunrises and sunsets in the desert
eyes open wide, body tightly plastered to rock, breath so deep
that it booms against the very cliffs and canyons
and then evaporates so quickly into the air
that it manifests
as the reddest loudest yet most silent
magnificent
sunsets and sunrises we have ever seen in our lives
coyotes howling nightly to a descending moon
until moon is so dense that we can't see her anymore
only her posse of wild outlaw stars singing loudly
the international anthem of the universe
giving directions on how to walk the beauty way
in such a way
indescribable
joshua tree for a week with aaron, yes indescribable
fullness, presence, breadth, reality...
pure being
so much laughter and sinking down, rising up with earth and winds
moment to moment presence
i can't word this yet
but i can say
wow
i am so grateful for my brothers and sisters in this world
and i am so grateful for the mountains and deserts and wild places
grateful for plant and animal friends and teachers
(we all teachers and students. the best students are best teachers and etcetera)
grateful for conversations so rich that they last all night
and we are surprised that the sun is rising already
grateful for the invisibly visible and present art gift of improvisation
vocal cords jamming and intertwining with each other, heartstrings, and rocks
grateful for warning rattles on rattlesnakes that hide in caves that i stand in front of
grateful for ancient natives who used to do ceremony in front of these caves
and infused them with grace, power, and unspeakable energy
grateful for young and old people who still remember old old stories
and grateful for the gift to weave new new stories with old old rhythms
grateful for old rhythms, woven in new ways
grateful for eyes that see, and hands that know
and a feeling of comfortableness borne of eons of knowing each other
grateful to see you again, and reconnect
grateful for SHE (Sacred Healing Elixirs) of all sorts
grateful for spirits that rise into my cheeks and make them blossom for days
grateful for plant medicines that turn our skins brown, not burnt red
grateful for shamanic journeys that take us farther than roads ever could
purely grateful
and filled with lovelovelove
(we even made a "son"!)
and then weekend with adrian and sierra at mojave national preserve
driving for what felt like days and days
are we there yet?
yes we are here
no we are not
we are here. welcome to the present moment. :)
jaz!
okay...
well here we are standing so close to the peak
i know that the wind is blowing so hard
but this is a once in a lifetime kinda thing
it's now or never
never!
well... let's put it this way
we are very close to the top
it won't hurt (that much)
and you can tell your baby sister about this and then share it with her one day
plus the wind is not so bad up there
and you can touch the sky!
okay
yes! wow what a view what a sky what a landscape
these mountains that roll all over
once upon a time we named it all "god poop"
and now i realize it's really yes god's compost heap
all these boulders and stones scattered thru the landscape...
once upon a time, all this was ocean
and then tectonic plates moving and shifting until
once upon a time, underwater mountains
and mountains rising and rising until
landscapes
limestone
fossils and artifacts and caves deep down under
let's dance down this hill and sprint until we make the most beautiful sand art
let's leave drawings of hearts and suns in the sand, next to the small green plants
they appreciate it
did you just feel that fairy kiss?
you see all those holes in the rocks?
a fairy spirit lives in each hole
jesse james used to live in a hole in the wall here too
there's a deep feeling of sacredness and
wow
can you feel the sacred silence?
did you feel that tingle?
we are being watched
and we are being blessed
sending out the intention now then for only the good spirits...
and back up to sky again
down in the cave it was so dark and dank and magical
fire by night for the most incredible meals i know how to make
roasting it directly over the fire sweet flame thank you
looking up at all the shooting stars
waking up in the middle of the night to look at each other, smile, and share dreams
until sun rises and we exclaim hooray for another day of being alive!
and wow our dreams are so similar!
i wonder if there's a magical cord that extends from my head to yours at night
whilst we sleep
and dream?
then back to the silent aloneness of just me and desert sky
after all the cars have rolled away and even the mouse is asleep
it's just me and you again
just like old days
i feel a richness that comes from being with people though
there is a richness to both being with others and just being with myself
initially, after both sets of cars left, i felt huge loneliness
and then gradually gradually
sky descended
song entered
and i could feel my heart beating with the trembling mountains and twinkling stars
closing my eyes i can see the elder with glowing hands placing flames into my belly and heart
i can feel the heat rising, balanced with water
(and more on that story, just ask me and i will tell you when it's time)
(when it's time, all these mountains will grind back into pure white sand
and we will bathe with them in pure white light)
we see the most incredible sunrises and sunsets in the desert
eyes open wide, body tightly plastered to rock, breath so deep
that it booms against the very cliffs and canyons
and then evaporates so quickly into the air
that it manifests
as the reddest loudest yet most silent
magnificent
sunsets and sunrises we have ever seen in our lives
coyotes howling nightly to a descending moon
until moon is so dense that we can't see her anymore
only her posse of wild outlaw stars singing loudly
the international anthem of the universe
giving directions on how to walk the beauty way
in such a way
indescribable
joshua tree for a week with aaron, yes indescribable
fullness, presence, breadth, reality...
pure being
so much laughter and sinking down, rising up with earth and winds
moment to moment presence
i can't word this yet
but i can say
wow
i am so grateful for my brothers and sisters in this world
and i am so grateful for the mountains and deserts and wild places
grateful for plant and animal friends and teachers
(we all teachers and students. the best students are best teachers and etcetera)
grateful for conversations so rich that they last all night
and we are surprised that the sun is rising already
grateful for the invisibly visible and present art gift of improvisation
vocal cords jamming and intertwining with each other, heartstrings, and rocks
grateful for warning rattles on rattlesnakes that hide in caves that i stand in front of
grateful for ancient natives who used to do ceremony in front of these caves
and infused them with grace, power, and unspeakable energy
grateful for young and old people who still remember old old stories
and grateful for the gift to weave new new stories with old old rhythms
grateful for old rhythms, woven in new ways
grateful for eyes that see, and hands that know
and a feeling of comfortableness borne of eons of knowing each other
grateful to see you again, and reconnect
grateful for SHE (Sacred Healing Elixirs) of all sorts
grateful for spirits that rise into my cheeks and make them blossom for days
grateful for plant medicines that turn our skins brown, not burnt red
grateful for shamanic journeys that take us farther than roads ever could
purely grateful
and filled with lovelovelove
(we even made a "son"!)
and then weekend with adrian and sierra at mojave national preserve
driving for what felt like days and days
are we there yet?
yes we are here
no we are not
we are here. welcome to the present moment. :)
jaz!
okay...
well here we are standing so close to the peak
i know that the wind is blowing so hard
but this is a once in a lifetime kinda thing
it's now or never
never!
well... let's put it this way
we are very close to the top
it won't hurt (that much)
and you can tell your baby sister about this and then share it with her one day
plus the wind is not so bad up there
and you can touch the sky!
okay
yes! wow what a view what a sky what a landscape
these mountains that roll all over
once upon a time we named it all "god poop"
and now i realize it's really yes god's compost heap
all these boulders and stones scattered thru the landscape...
once upon a time, all this was ocean
and then tectonic plates moving and shifting until
once upon a time, underwater mountains
and mountains rising and rising until
landscapes
limestone
fossils and artifacts and caves deep down under
let's dance down this hill and sprint until we make the most beautiful sand art
let's leave drawings of hearts and suns in the sand, next to the small green plants
they appreciate it
did you just feel that fairy kiss?
you see all those holes in the rocks?
a fairy spirit lives in each hole
jesse james used to live in a hole in the wall here too
there's a deep feeling of sacredness and
wow
can you feel the sacred silence?
did you feel that tingle?
we are being watched
and we are being blessed
sending out the intention now then for only the good spirits...
and back up to sky again
down in the cave it was so dark and dank and magical
fire by night for the most incredible meals i know how to make
roasting it directly over the fire sweet flame thank you
looking up at all the shooting stars
waking up in the middle of the night to look at each other, smile, and share dreams
until sun rises and we exclaim hooray for another day of being alive!
and wow our dreams are so similar!
i wonder if there's a magical cord that extends from my head to yours at night
whilst we sleep
and dream?
then back to the silent aloneness of just me and desert sky
after all the cars have rolled away and even the mouse is asleep
it's just me and you again
just like old days
i feel a richness that comes from being with people though
there is a richness to both being with others and just being with myself
initially, after both sets of cars left, i felt huge loneliness
and then gradually gradually
sky descended
song entered
and i could feel my heart beating with the trembling mountains and twinkling stars
closing my eyes i can see the elder with glowing hands placing flames into my belly and heart
i can feel the heat rising, balanced with water
(and more on that story, just ask me and i will tell you when it's time)
(when it's time, all these mountains will grind back into pure white sand
and we will bathe with them in pure white light)
10.27.2010
yes
be the change
(winds never sit still)
you wish
(upon the stars we're created from)
to see
(butterfly dream)
in
(and all around the everynothingness of all great every)
the world
(darling, that's you)
(winds never sit still)
you wish
(upon the stars we're created from)
to see
(butterfly dream)
in
(and all around the everynothingness of all great every)
the world
(darling, that's you)
10.23.2010
just (in cali) back
i'm not sure where to begin
but my mind has been elsewhere
well no
sometimes i return to this present moment ous breath with a huge woosh
oomph
and land with a thump presently here
mind comes fluttering back in
calling into the winds my name, the seven directions
here here here here here here here
me me me me me me me
got hit on at the beach today
for the first time in a long time
i pretended i didn't know any english
he gave me a big smile and sweaty handshake and asked me my name
i gave as confused a look as i could
tried not to laugh
and said in shaky english
"no
eeng
wich"
and walked away
i could see his awed expression in my periphery as i walked away
he was awed at losing probably the zillionth hit-on-woman experience in his beach life
and i?
all i wanted was some quiet time with just me and mama pacifica
i stood on the road above the ocean
no time to get down to ocean and then come back and catch bus again in time before dark
also couldnt find a place to drop my bag
and so i watched mama ocean from above
and smelled the sea smells and felt the sea breeze
and promised to return sometime next week to actually take a dip and offer some gifts into her frothiness
realizing that pretty soon i will be on the other side of the world
looking at the same ocean
and missing the land on the other side again
this landscape
this covered landscape of concrete and human manufactured naturalness
teeming with avocados, guavas, pomengranates, and other sweet memories
why don't you get a real job
asks my sister
get a normal life
long held unspoken whipstraps getting gently untied and ripped open
inner doubts and fears getting exposing and painfully massaged
yup just rub me there yes right there where it's red already? yes right there
just rub me raw some more
and then pour in the salt water yes
oooh yes
halfway up the mountain
back up into these mountains i grew up in
looking at old plant friends with new eyes
my eyes now with more latin wedged into the noggin behind the eyes
with more latin, family name this and useful that
but still these plants are still the still same every changing still yes friendly same
you landscape have changed
more houses, cars, people
old fields and trees knocked down and replaced by human nature creations
like building legos and with one swift hand swipe down comes all the trees easy
same with building these houses that look all the same
and roads paved with concrete
instead of trails paved by years and years of barefeet running to and fro and fro and to
like in the gila
small trails leading everywhere
small trail from my camp to eric and amy's homestead farm
small trail from my camp to tom's cabin
small trail up the hill to visit shelley and scott and chickens
small trail well hidden yet well loved and well worn to visit wind building a new hooch
strong hands worn by time and loving molding of earth-dug clay and coal-burned spoons, cups, bowls
weathered hands aged and oiled by years of rubbing sticks together for fire
gently caressing small and large plant friends
breaking off fruits and twigs for foods and medicines
while saying thank you thank you thank you
and i love you so much
hands that know willow weavings and hide tannings
feet that know hard thorns, soft water, hot rocks, cold winds
crinkles around the eyes that laugh with stories
a voice resonant from hearing itself echoing in the wind, trees, stones, and water
ears sharp from listening to the fox family romping about in the evening time
sharp ears from tracking the coyotes at night
nimble ears listening to my own breath and consciously slowing it down to drift with my heartbeat
breath that rises and falls with the ups and downs of my feet as i softly pad up and down the trail
to the water, to the stones, back to the fire, back to my shelter
no telephone or computer for a couple weeks
very real
very present
so very very present
that when i touched the phone and computer again i could feel the electric surge
the electric wave tingling my hair and surging thru my skin
and here a decision to be made
where to continue walking
how to go forward
from here
i know this now
and that also
and also pretty well understand the true nature of
infinite possibility
well,
it's infinite
and it's all a matter of choice
yes?
yup
well, yeehah then let's buckle up
i am in transition
transition
woo!
transition
like instead of living old way
taking classes on it
reminders of how things used to be from someone transitioning back out into civilization
tell me about these plants you've known then, and know
my dad understands that
when out in the wilderness for a while you begin to glow
we glow with the light reflected from the reality of mama earth, her very yes self
and then come back to civilization and if you don't meditate--- or do something for self maintenance---
then that glow begins to fade
and fade
until eventually all that's left is just a corpse
a walking corpse
don't go there
not me not now
too much potential
i know the light
let's walk it all together yes?
such a beautiful walk in the light
much warmer too
i can see in my mind's eye bright blue eyes that reflect the morning sky
blue eyes shining from a sun-browned face
blue eyes glowing with clouds and sunbeams and shooting stars
wishes that come true over and over and over again
never too many wishes coming true
happy birthday moment by moment for me and you
a rolling river that runs thru the desert
hot springs on the side with warm exfoliating sands
i've been dreaming of this landscape for a year now
welcome back yes welcome back
surreal
walking backwards tock tick
moving so quickly that i can almost see my breath being left behind
contact improv my last night in massachusetts, with many old friends
i have been here so many times before
there are so many memories wrapped up in this place
walking into the kitchen, into a huddle of loving arms and gentle eyes
and heart melts into eye tears that pour
and shoulders that support do then support
and ears that listen do listen and mouth then reflects so lovingly and perfectly that i then look startled into eyes so bright
and i am reflected in them oh mirror
and we are all mirrors and
this is how it really is
this is how it really ought to be
for you to see me, really
and i can see you too
this is it
to support and hold and witness
no judgement
i can see your red holey holy spots
and i will give you sweet medicine to put on your wounds
and sing you lullabies to rest
and then when you are well and i am well
we will all come together to celebrate
sitting around a campfire watching the landscape change from earth-toned golden hues into the deepest darkest shades of black
sky going from the brightest of blues into also the darkest of blacks spotted with the brightest jewels i've ever seen
(besides your eyes of course)
singing songs old and new and
improvising words and rhythms fitting and unfitting
heartful laughter resonant and echoing, mixing and merging most perfectly (dance yes) with sacred
silence
i move thru this space
air contracting and expanding with me
every brush of wind so gently a reminder of presence
every contraction expansion of my chest and belly with each
sacred
breath
a reminder of being, gifting, receiving
grateful surrender like leaves falling unto a drunken land
ahhhh
ho
but my mind has been elsewhere
well no
sometimes i return to this present moment ous breath with a huge woosh
oomph
and land with a thump presently here
mind comes fluttering back in
calling into the winds my name, the seven directions
here here here here here here here
me me me me me me me
got hit on at the beach today
for the first time in a long time
i pretended i didn't know any english
he gave me a big smile and sweaty handshake and asked me my name
i gave as confused a look as i could
tried not to laugh
and said in shaky english
"no
eeng
wich"
and walked away
i could see his awed expression in my periphery as i walked away
he was awed at losing probably the zillionth hit-on-woman experience in his beach life
and i?
all i wanted was some quiet time with just me and mama pacifica
i stood on the road above the ocean
no time to get down to ocean and then come back and catch bus again in time before dark
also couldnt find a place to drop my bag
and so i watched mama ocean from above
and smelled the sea smells and felt the sea breeze
and promised to return sometime next week to actually take a dip and offer some gifts into her frothiness
realizing that pretty soon i will be on the other side of the world
looking at the same ocean
and missing the land on the other side again
this landscape
this covered landscape of concrete and human manufactured naturalness
teeming with avocados, guavas, pomengranates, and other sweet memories
why don't you get a real job
asks my sister
get a normal life
long held unspoken whipstraps getting gently untied and ripped open
inner doubts and fears getting exposing and painfully massaged
yup just rub me there yes right there where it's red already? yes right there
just rub me raw some more
and then pour in the salt water yes
oooh yes
halfway up the mountain
back up into these mountains i grew up in
looking at old plant friends with new eyes
my eyes now with more latin wedged into the noggin behind the eyes
with more latin, family name this and useful that
but still these plants are still the still same every changing still yes friendly same
you landscape have changed
more houses, cars, people
old fields and trees knocked down and replaced by human nature creations
like building legos and with one swift hand swipe down comes all the trees easy
same with building these houses that look all the same
and roads paved with concrete
instead of trails paved by years and years of barefeet running to and fro and fro and to
like in the gila
small trails leading everywhere
small trail from my camp to eric and amy's homestead farm
small trail from my camp to tom's cabin
small trail up the hill to visit shelley and scott and chickens
small trail well hidden yet well loved and well worn to visit wind building a new hooch
strong hands worn by time and loving molding of earth-dug clay and coal-burned spoons, cups, bowls
weathered hands aged and oiled by years of rubbing sticks together for fire
gently caressing small and large plant friends
breaking off fruits and twigs for foods and medicines
while saying thank you thank you thank you
and i love you so much
hands that know willow weavings and hide tannings
feet that know hard thorns, soft water, hot rocks, cold winds
crinkles around the eyes that laugh with stories
a voice resonant from hearing itself echoing in the wind, trees, stones, and water
ears sharp from listening to the fox family romping about in the evening time
sharp ears from tracking the coyotes at night
nimble ears listening to my own breath and consciously slowing it down to drift with my heartbeat
breath that rises and falls with the ups and downs of my feet as i softly pad up and down the trail
to the water, to the stones, back to the fire, back to my shelter
no telephone or computer for a couple weeks
very real
very present
so very very present
that when i touched the phone and computer again i could feel the electric surge
the electric wave tingling my hair and surging thru my skin
and here a decision to be made
where to continue walking
how to go forward
from here
i know this now
and that also
and also pretty well understand the true nature of
infinite possibility
well,
it's infinite
and it's all a matter of choice
yes?
yup
well, yeehah then let's buckle up
i am in transition
transition
woo!
transition
like instead of living old way
taking classes on it
reminders of how things used to be from someone transitioning back out into civilization
tell me about these plants you've known then, and know
my dad understands that
when out in the wilderness for a while you begin to glow
we glow with the light reflected from the reality of mama earth, her very yes self
and then come back to civilization and if you don't meditate--- or do something for self maintenance---
then that glow begins to fade
and fade
until eventually all that's left is just a corpse
a walking corpse
don't go there
not me not now
too much potential
i know the light
let's walk it all together yes?
such a beautiful walk in the light
much warmer too
i can see in my mind's eye bright blue eyes that reflect the morning sky
blue eyes shining from a sun-browned face
blue eyes glowing with clouds and sunbeams and shooting stars
wishes that come true over and over and over again
never too many wishes coming true
happy birthday moment by moment for me and you
a rolling river that runs thru the desert
hot springs on the side with warm exfoliating sands
i've been dreaming of this landscape for a year now
welcome back yes welcome back
surreal
walking backwards tock tick
moving so quickly that i can almost see my breath being left behind
contact improv my last night in massachusetts, with many old friends
i have been here so many times before
there are so many memories wrapped up in this place
walking into the kitchen, into a huddle of loving arms and gentle eyes
and heart melts into eye tears that pour
and shoulders that support do then support
and ears that listen do listen and mouth then reflects so lovingly and perfectly that i then look startled into eyes so bright
and i am reflected in them oh mirror
and we are all mirrors and
this is how it really is
this is how it really ought to be
for you to see me, really
and i can see you too
this is it
to support and hold and witness
no judgement
i can see your red holey holy spots
and i will give you sweet medicine to put on your wounds
and sing you lullabies to rest
and then when you are well and i am well
we will all come together to celebrate
sitting around a campfire watching the landscape change from earth-toned golden hues into the deepest darkest shades of black
sky going from the brightest of blues into also the darkest of blacks spotted with the brightest jewels i've ever seen
(besides your eyes of course)
singing songs old and new and
improvising words and rhythms fitting and unfitting
heartful laughter resonant and echoing, mixing and merging most perfectly (dance yes) with sacred
silence
i move thru this space
air contracting and expanding with me
every brush of wind so gently a reminder of presence
every contraction expansion of my chest and belly with each
sacred
breath
a reminder of being, gifting, receiving
grateful surrender like leaves falling unto a drunken land
ahhhh
ho
10.03.2010
this is october
hopping on a train tomorrow...
monday in massachusetts... choo choo...
tuesday in chicago...
wednesday rolling across the country...
thursday in gila wilderness of new mexico for the new moon...
two weeks later, hopping on a train again from new mexico back to california for the full moon...
no computer again until the next full moon, end of october
lovelovelove! :)
monday in massachusetts... choo choo...
tuesday in chicago...
wednesday rolling across the country...
thursday in gila wilderness of new mexico for the new moon...
two weeks later, hopping on a train again from new mexico back to california for the full moon...
no computer again until the next full moon, end of october
lovelovelove! :)
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