12.25.2012

solstice intentions

trust intuition/ follow heart/ inner guidance
empowered action/ active creation/ direct manifestation
tapas/ diligence/ committed practice 

12.23.2012

women circle

this has been my experience of taiwan 
and my experiences are 
constantly evolving 
this photo holds a lot for me 
my mama, ama, and nainai
talking, in the house where my mama grew up 
and they continue to live 
and run the family business 
eating food my ama cooks
and has learned to cook from her mama and ama 
retelling and telling stories old and new 
about life in all it's funny, simple, and serious 
ups, downs, twists, turns
it's all so very 
simple 

sister gloria

me and my sister, gloria 
yes, she is taller than me 
no, she is younger than me...
and yes, we are very different 
and equally wise ;) 

ci taiwan

welcome to contact improv dancing in taiwan 

merry

merry christmas from the north pole... of taiwan 

(jiling with santa claus... aka larry) 

thalia

new old friend in taipei and taichong, taiwan 

阿媽生日

my ama, grandma on my ma's side, turns 80 next year. this year's birthday, her age is still a question mark! :) 

jiayi 嘉義 camping

camped overnight at a waterfall in 嘉義 jiayi (southern central taiwan mountains) with some great people 

紙教堂

"paper temple." taiwanese people enjoy japanese designs and architecture. this all-religions-embracing temple is made of paper, produced on a local farm. (and metal, glass, etc)。 also en route to sunmoonlake. photos by aunt and friend

埔里花展

flower exhibit in puli. my aunt (left) with her friend. rainy day. en route to sun moon lake. taiwanese people like to put flowers into arrangements, and admire their beauty. it reminds me of drinking tea. small things that make you happy. 

sun moon lake

blue sky 
calm lake 
with boats all over it 
and people surrounding it 
welcome to sun moon lake (日月潭) in the middle of taiwan 
one of taiwan's most famous lakes 
i prefer the small lakes 
like "grandma's pond" (阿婆潭) in yangmingshan (陽明山) 
but it was interesting here 
to see all the development 
and experience what most tourists from china or elsewhere come to taiwan to see 
so now i know 
and can blue sky calm lake 
elsewhere 

(pictured on left is my aunt maylin from taichong, my adventure partner for the day!) 

12.09.2012

christmas dinner, taipei

i am so thankful for sweet and spicy friendship: brothers and sisters! 
especially happy when friends from different pieces of my life get to meet each other! 

12.05.2012

taiwan

i am staying in taiwan for an indefinite period of time

(photo from sanyi, old rails) 

12.02.2012

manipura






radiate out 
this love to the world 
share shine brightly 
with passion and courage 
speak my truth 
with integrity and clarity 
i know what i want and need 
i know myself 
i understand my place in this world 
i know what i need to do 
and where i am going 
i proudly step forward with strong humbleness 
i know myself 
and help others know themselves
and shine their lights brightly 
as well 
one flame 
ignites many more 


11.28.2012

wrist- sadness and fear

i feel helpless and at a loss right now 
1.5 months later, and cut on my wrist is still an open wound 
infected and painful 
i still have lack of sensation and numbness in my third and fourth finger and palm 
i am still bathing with just one hand, cooking with my left hand, chopping veggies softly
drawing softly, playing piano softly... 
all these little things that used to be so fluid and easy
are still difficult 
i just want my life back to normal 
with no high standards of becoming superwoman after this experience now, no 
i just want to be normal 
and able to shower with both hands 
do my yoga practice with strength and ease of both hands supporting
and swing my backpack onto my back without worry of hurting my right hand 
i don't know where to turn 
the infection slowed down in some areas, stopped in other areas 
with antibiotics and daily cleansing 
no more antibiotics, still daily cleansing 
but infection is slowly spreading, once more 
what is causing this? what's happening? 
i don't trust my original surgeon
he talks too fast, doesn't look me in the eye, and provides insufficient answers to his questions 
every once in a while, i catch his humanity through his fast talking rushedness, stress, and wild eyes 
he is scared and tired 
all he really needs is a couple months of solid rest 
i doubt he's really happy with his life, passionate about his work 
he has botched up my arm 
i feel anger
i tried another doctor, skin clinic, when rope was still sticking out of my arm
other doc told me to return to my original doc 
he is scared of liability issues; would not even give me a diagnosis of my situation, or touch my wrist 
my chigong teacher has nothing to say to me, besides 
"stop aggravating your wrist! just let it rest" 
well it has been resting now. after infection, i haven't even been moving it much 
i am giving it nothing but rest, and as much love and good vibes as i can summon up through the veil of my fear, worry, and impatience 
i want to get on with my life 
rose elixir, chocolate, and company of good friends and wilderness make me feel better in my heart 
but the infection remains 
the cut remains open, fingers unfeeling, palm of my hand hot and uncomfortable 
what to do? 
feels like nobody can really help me right now 
and i don't know how to help myself either 
acupuncture teacher and friend stabbed me violently into three points along the arm 
sending shooting sensation down into my palm 
for a few seconds 
"keep massaging there" he says 
but the effect is similar as antibiotics 
it works briefly
but the root of the problem remains 
and the cut remains open, infection marching forward still, after brief respite
tireless bacteria dancing around and around my wrist
i feel scared right now 
and so tired of this 
i don't know what to do 

wrist- a retrospective


 all photos from August 2006, except for final photo
final photo before The Fall- near Giraud Peak, John Muir Wilderness, northern CA, USA
on the helicopter out of the mountains, after the Fall
 I am lucky to be alive, spine intact, both wrists broken, face and body ripped apart but more than functional
nature is the best medicine 

right after cast first taken off, post-surgery 

 my mom made this photo of me right after they took cast off, admiring my hands and feeling grateful...
my wrist, today 

we are gonna get through this, learn lots... and I've promised to never do anything like this again to my wrist, or my Self. i completely love and accept myself, metal and all... and pray that i learn all the lessons i must learn from this journey of second-surgery, second healing, continuous healing journey... and, i patiently walk with this pain, this scar, and this healing process for now, until the day we can fully practice yoga, chigong, dance, climbing, and all the other beauties of life together again!

until then, i cherish it all!

.love. presence. gratitude. 

11.25.2012

雨中- 陽明山- 魚路古道 ancient fisherman's trail- yangmingshan

hiking in the rain 
constant uphill 
to grassy plain 
cow dung everywhere 
mud all over my clothing 
boots wet, feet cold, heart ecstatic 
i love these mountains! 
slow downhill descent 
at times running over solid ground 
mostly carefully picking my way down ancient stone steps 
these trees have seen dinosaurs 
i love taiwan ferns 
mist everywhere, magical, romantic 
i dialogue with the trees 
composing songs no one else will ever hear 
breathing breaths to only be breathed once 
savoring each splendid moment 
my breath getting taken away 
waterfall after waterfall 
gentle rain feeding powerful rivers
nourishing the green mountains
i love this planet! 
and rivers- oh how i love rivers!
and stone! 
standing above the waterfall 
feeling her power
i realize who i am 
as well 

wrist

11.22.2012

taipei- 4

rain blanket, drum rhythm 
earth shakes, sky blessings 
green things rising, humans crawling 
small life, big universe 
we hold it all within ourselves 

happy day, everyday 
tap in, spiral out 
joy thru tears, blue within rain 
today and everyday, big changes! 
opportunity for transformation 

clouds move fast, one month past 
stillness within movement
peaceful blissful central stillness 
just 
heartbeat
rhythm 
of 
earth

just a heartbeat 
tinder packed tightly
precious little thing 
blown into flame 
strong winds 
i hold you to my chest 
set me on fire 
into the world 
dance me with water 
as we run fast on earth
legs leaping and twirling 
grounding and stomping 
these are ancient global rhythms we pound 
chest to chest 
fingers gently interlaced 
each small movement a prayer 
bodies shuddering, sweating, surrendered 
breath that moves through me 
thank you Creator 
i dedicate my life
to You
this dance is Yours 
i feel earth energy rising through my legs
drawing my movements 
i can still choose
how to place them 
and holding steady
when to rise and fall
with smooth
grace
or jagged 
edges 

sky jewels raining down 
to adorn trees and bless plants
cold taipei, winter setting in 
half of me, "go hike anyways"
the other half, "don't get your hand wet" 
considering already an infection 
better play it safe 
i watch the rain from my window 
in delight
wrapped up in old woolen jacket 
hot tea steaming 
colors at my fingers 
music thumping
heartbeat thrumming
breath soothing

my mama's last day here 
been 6 weeks now with mama 
and 4 with meimei, my lil sis 
my world changed and shifted dramatically during that time 
and tonight, i turn a new page again 

1- before my family coming here, life chapter title: 
fresh from india, studying chigong in taichong, struggling wild windy woman thing in the city 
2- chapter with ma and mei: 
wrist surgery heartbreak recovery, old traumas reopened, familial conflict and connection 
3- and tonight begins (i assume- i don't know yet until it happens): 
she flies once more, wrist strengthening, small travels resuming, mind-body-spirit focus evolving 

11.21.2012

wrist teacher


swelling has reduced by alot 
numbness still in fingers 
no more headstands for a lil bit
rest is challenging and patience is slow 
what an amazing teacher 

forest lin family: nainai's feast

lins... ma with forest side of my family :) 

rainy hike

mama's rockin rock design: share the love with the world

taipei- 3rd morning

what are plans
when fate has other ideas? 

today i planned to take my ma up my favorite river walk 
to my favorite little place thus far in taipei
a small swimming hole at the base of a gorge
called apo tan

this morning i wake to the endless rhythmic beating of rain 
the path will be too slippery
river probably too high to walk up 
plans cancelled for.... another year or so 

today i am thoughtful and silent 
yesterday bored, today introspective 
today is my mama's final day in taiwan 
i feel like deep open connection is still lacking 

perhaps today is the day 
that all my dreams will come true 
lying in deep sleep 
under cover of rain 

a wiggle and crack
i know this heart will open 
i know my fears will fade away 
breath of deep fresh intoxicating air 

dizzying dreams of one final big island wander 
today i will look at maps and start pulling connections 

trembling anticipation of returning to home-across-the-world 
why is taiwan/ asia home so far away from usa home? 
today i will continue looking into grad school and talking to friends and teachers 

a yearning desire to connect, and a cold holding fear to do so 
today i will make left-handed art, right hand relaxing with iodine and cephalexin
i love you so much 
that i am afraid to get close,
and then be torn apart again 

river drum, rain beat 
my right arm wound is slowly closing 
fingers numb, hands tingling 
mother earth carry me, your child i will always be 
rhythmic rocking, drumbeat home 

today i will bring songs 
to translate from english into chinese 
together with my mama

and then 
we will improvise 
taking turns playing drone, understory monotone 
that undercurrent strength that guides river through waterfall splendids on top 

and then 
i let go of plans! 
i let go 
anything can happen, will happen 
i can only provide 
the beam structural guiding possibility of support 
the rest i leave up to you 
oh Creator 
thanks for making it oh-so-incredibly 

gorgeous 

in all it's unexpectedness, diverse colors, shadows, symmetry, dissonance, and 
perfection 

edge

there's something about the 
autumn 
wind
that drive my cells 
c r a z y 
with
delight
and a certain unspeakable 
longing 
torn between summer heat and winter chill 
balanced on the edge 
i smile 

i like this place 
walking between worlds 
neither sun nor moon, day nor night 
in between seasons 
the rain a cleansing transition between worlds 

i am both taiwanese and american 
logical yet artistic 
desert childhood, yet forest ancestry 
revering freedom and flow, yet also obsessed with order and control 
a striking balance 
between holding the pen lightly yet drawing strong lines 
with unique personal character 

world of sky
world of earth 

world of city civilized 
world of wild ancient 

travelling has been such a gift 
so has been staying put in taizhong for 3 months 
my backpack sits beside me, grey and tired 
just the smell of it makes me smile and grimace simultaneously 
what a journey 
between worlds of all sorts 
and now, a choice 
always, a balance 
choosing yet flowing 
fate, destiny

the music quickens 
2012 is coming to a close 
life is always dying and birthing, birthing and dying 
never ending cycle, 
nothing new, yet everything new 
zen koans endless! 

rising crescendo
step lightly yet with purpose 
you are magnificent, your influence grandiose 

i am seriously contemplating returning to usa in january or february 
i am researching my options right now 
and praying for guidance 
(choice, and flow) 
need to keep reminding myself that taiwan and asia will always be here 
neither goodbye nor hello are forever 
i can leave... and return... whenever i choose 
i use the money, i make it again 
i fly away, i fly back 

realized yesterday, walking through a tunnel and thinking about my huge extended non-blood family in usa and around the world 
that i will always miss people and places 
no matter where i go, 
i could always be somewhere else 
there is always the possibility of greener grass elsewhere 
but
i am here now 
(wherever you go... there you are!!!) 
appreciate each moment 
there will always be darkness to gripe about 
and imperfections to pick at 
there are points of learning in everything 
remain openhearted 
and follow the best, most suitable, brightest path 
maybe it's not the easiest path
maybe it's not even a clear path
God! i have bushwhacked for so long
path becomes clearer with each step 
each moment of silence providing more nourishment for further growth 

but what if...? 
you will have enough 
everything you need 
will come 

maybe it will be difficult 
but you will be okay 

everything 
is 
possible 

redefine 
your boundaries 

infinite 

but know your limitations 
and turn them into opportunities

current limitation= right wrist 
opportunity for ample rest and growth
cherishing this sacred stillness 
as i lick
the knife's edge

reopening old wounds 
to reexamine them
and heal unhealed pieces 
falling down down Death Valley down only to climb back up again, gross and dirty, ready
working hard
rising up, then 
stronger than the winds on Everest 

11.20.2012

taipei- day 1

it feels like coming home 
to roll around this city 
knowing where i walk 
confidence with the cadence of my feet stepping 
upon ground that i have left and returned to and left and returned to
often for the past two years 
and way back to when i was a few months old 
this home of 
taipei
endless car rhythm 
like a cage or a drumbeat
schedule tightly packed 
like muscle around bone 
morning with nainai grandma 
eating too much deliciousness 
stretching my smile, widening my heart 
listening to stories with mama and nainai and aunt gugu
falling asleep, legs on mama's lap, soft murmur of adult voices 

i have nothing to lose 
and everything to gain 
fear is a self-protection mechanism 
that i can acknowledge 
then let go
i have been hurt before 
that's why i hold tension in my smile 
and guard my heart
hey hey fear, i see you- namaste 
and it's okay to 
slowly
let 
go

wake, rush, run to bus- perfect timing 
roll up to acupuncture with teacher tofu
mama takes herself too seriously 
her body is stiff, straight, and tight 
more exercise that gets heart beating, dancing, and joyous
more massages, more freedom, more yoga 
i like massage better than tcm cupping 
painful needling techniques hurt
what is best for me to study?
keep learning one thing then onto another 
it's all useful, coalescing 
most important is heart

then connecting hearts with my taipei-mama, aji
sitting under streetlight, bats overhead, seven-star mountain overlooking 
follow your dreams 
sometimes they take a lot of time to manifest 
don't hold yourself back by others standards 
jump for the moon 
one day, i also want to make a music recording- of healing songs for earth and hearts

bus-ride back down the mtn, rush hr, dinner with grandma, appointments, earring admiration with aunt 
i enjoying making my grannie ama laugh with crass jokes that completely knock her off-guard

calm walk, floating back to my taiwan university, to ceramics club 
talk with teacher again 
he's focused on ceramics all his life 
will spend next 3 yrs of life preparing for his biggest gallery exhibit
what is a life, if nothing to show for it? 
all love from students
i like being called "lao shi" too 
and guiding others 
i like the feel of university 
this may be a good path 
ceramics laoshi says with fervent absolute conviction
yes! follow your heart 
your travels provide you absolute certainty for your path
don't be in any rush! 

slow calm stroll home, stopping to visit marina en route 
bump into tall canadian at the door 
and so it begins 
marina climbed today, first day, indoor wall 
long white cotton acrobatics silk hanging from center of her room 
cat purring, sharp little claws 
laughter and connection, openness and freedom 
it's past my bedtime 
oh well 

we go to fancy hotel, butt bumping down the street
reconnection with friends old and new, laughter 
this is new yet familiar 
i feel like i've just walked out of a nunnery 
and into something tremblingly alive 
divinity in humanity 
i am tentative yet delighted 
and wonder why nobody is dancing 
to such wild and fabulous music
under such lights
with jeans radiating against the wall 
records shining circles
and glass bottle decor 
we lie against sofa
yoda teaches me 
don't try, do. don't do, be 
do be do be do be... 
crazy poetry trees 
skin to skin fascia kidney meridian oceanic waves weaving
energy lines correspond with muscles 
i, dance therapy
he, physical therapy
she, art therapy 
we talk about turtles, cockroaches, and bacon
hands soft on my chest, warm down arm, sweet against scar: 10-20 minutes, daily. one month
be gentle 
it's beautiful to be strong 
but even more powerful when you can choose strength or gentleness 
you are beautiful when you are tired... more soft, feminine 
don't need exhaustion and sickness to tap into the daisies and meadows elements within me
right now i am enjoying the fire and bursting balls of sunshine 
hands cupped but not touching, ball of energy
tell me stories! 
hand on shoulder, energy ball, rising
visualization
healing golden energy 
rise up
lymph, move
infection, release
scar, close 
arm, relax 
heart, open 

heart to heart

we sing on the mrt, voices a blur 
i like having a background drone, a comfy earth element to ground and root for infinite potential rising and soaring or harmonizing vocals 
stepping out of the bright mrt lights and into the darkness with venus above ( i know you )
i enjoy not knowing where i am, at home and finding my way again

thank you for sharing my journey 

11.18.2012

poem- to life, to hospital, to fear

(pain, fear, and other "negative" emotions instigate excellent fodder for poetry... that i feel taps at the most core piece of our selves: our deepest pain. for that mirrors our deepest joy, our brightest bliss, our truest beauty. in sanskrit... satchitananda. our innate incredible nature, that only our suffering/ trauma/ drama can illuminate, and open. blessings on your journey, fellow human! i wrote the below poem before reluctantly returning to hospital, second time)
---

i am already living as consciously as i know how 
go to the people, start with what they know, get to where's they're at, accept that, and then move from there 
same with myself 

what to do when your friend is in pain 
what to do when your child is crying 
just hold 
embrace 
accept 
and listen 
offering unconditional love and support 
and only giving suggestions if they ask for it 
and then, listening more than you speak 
be wary of your tongue 
and what you think you know 
one thing for one person may be something completely different for another person 

you may think real such things as ghosts from past lives coming to haunt again in this life 
and i may think that complete bullshit 
you may think that that healer is amazing 
and i may think that her tools are weak and rusty, and she needs to go make love on top of a waterfall with herself for a few days before she can help anyone 
she needs some passion in her life 
some brightness in her face 
some tone in her voice 
some power behind her punch 

i am off 
to go court wolves and dance with the darkness 
i am going 
back to a hospital of white-jackets, grim-faces, and hearts that are tired but still trying 
dear Creator 
let me be open to the possibility 
of all possibilities 
that sometimes yes this 
and other times no that
and don't always remain strong and hard
be flexible and bend with the wind 

don't say to me "hush hush- don't cry. it's okay" 
say to me, "cry!!! howl!!! wail out your pain!!! let it go, let it go go go... and it is so beautiful"
say to me, " i see you in your pain 
i see you in your magnificence 
you are beautiful
and i love you for your tears, pain, and beauty
as you rise up pale, dirty, weak, shriveled, and sobbing
i love you too 
as you rise up strong, glowing, eyes bright, teeth gnashing, a bellowing war song on your breath 
i love you for all these moments yes 

dear wrist 
dear tongue 
dear locked up limbs and chakras
physical points and energetic centers 
whole being
dear 
self 
surrendering, surrendered, graceful, uplifted, shattered, shaking, and 
i am living as consciously as i know how 
i make my decisions with discernment and as much collective wisdom as i can dredge up from within and around me 

this life 
i am still here 
for a yes i know why now 
touch and be touched
set fire to the dead dear landscape with passion, laughter, heart-head-and-hips wide open 
surrender
release
step forward with boldness and courage 
body dead, eyes flashing

aho

muse

morning still
soft sacred silent receptive 
you come whispering 
tiptoeing in on breezy feet
a kiss and smile on your lips 
cheeks flushed and laughing 
goosebumps from the cold
mud on your cheek 
your hair smells like wet grass 
there's ferns stuck between your toes 
wild doe, gentle wild fierce being darling creature
she who howls in the night and dances in the day and fears nothing yet lies quaking 
she who holds all the world in her hands yet mutters self-limiting mantras to herself under her breath 
she would glitters on stages around the world yet cannot stand atop the stage within her heart
and dialogue with her self 
why 
can't i hear you? 
morning silence, midnight waiting, baiting 
i welcome you 
with smoke, stone, and elixir 
i welcome you 
with colors, books, and music
i welcome you 
with empty pages, receptive bodies, 
and baskets once overflowing now tipped dry to receive the blessings of sun, wind, moon, earth
i welcome you 
silent raging loud ravaging one
creator destructress amazing empress
come fill me now 

11.17.2012

after hospital

pic 1= before 
pic 2= after 

lots of pus was released 

11.16.2012

svadisthana chakra

confidence to walk with purpose and solidity, and a devilish waggle in the hips 
courage to shout when i need to, and whisper into all the perfect caves and potholes 
oceanic flexibility to twist as far as i need to go, and wisdom to know just when to stop 
boldness to wear the clothes that sing my unique personality 
fearlessness to draw spirals in linear landscapes 
and an inner smile that rises up from balanced central space
walking and waking, within and without

muladara chakra

earth. roots. home. family. feet. legs. grounding. safety. identity. survival. inner child. balance.